Episode 189 – Monday, October 16th, 2017 (7594)
It’s already in the middle of October, but as you know, I’m still in the darker times where struggles are present in my life. In the past 6-7 months, I still don’t have any stable job or income at all. Although I have enough saving on the bank (thanks to my backpay from my previous job), I’m afraid that anytime soon it might be gone away because of the expenses that I need such as travel going to the job interview, food for my lunch while job hunting, and renting a computer at the internet café to search job vacancies online. I also decided to hold my monthly healthcare that I had commit to pay since three years ago because I don’t have any income right now as I’m still jobless (this might ruin my future goals, thanks to my former college classmate who encouraged me to join for the financial literacy even though I don’t really have many friends to be on my downline).
Jobless causes me boredom. Since my beloved job in San Pedro was dissolved, my life became so dull because of being jobless (although I had a short-lived job in Cabuyao last April, I blew it because of verbally bullying). Almost every day, I stay at home with lots of distractions, sickness, and lack of freedom. And if I go to some places to apply or having a job interview, it wastes my time, money, and energy most especially if I fail to pass the job interview or exam. At one time, I tried asking any help when I went to the main office of National Council of Disability Affairs (NCDA) in Holy Spirit, Quezon City last May. This government agency helped me in 2004 to support me as an exchange student in the United States. But when I was there to talk with my beloved mentors, instead of giving me a motivatin, one of them scolded me after I confessed her my worries about my monthly healthcare (I didn’t tell her about my participation in financial literacy in Makati). And they got somewhat upset because I visited them in the office when I was already jobless (in 2014, I met one of them for the last time when I still had a job, but I was too busy back then, so that I had no time to visit them before). Although they helped me to find a job (however, it’s too far away from home), I felt I was helpless because they thought I was not satisfied on one nice job to help my family (but not my future?). They also reminded me back in 2010 when I quitted my (unofficial) first job at the deaf travel agency in Mandaluyong after they helped me to apply there upon my college graduation. After my conversation with my mentors, I didn’t stay there so long and went to Marikina area as they endorsed me to apply there for graphics (but I didn’t pursue to work there because it’s too far from my home in Laguna, and there’s unsure if I could work there because of possible low salary which was not really enough for me to spend for my rental expense nearby the workplace or commute in a long travel).
Helpless causes me into frustration. Even though I have applied several job openings for several times, I’m still helpless at all. Also, it doesn’t help on my mother who gives me a ton of questions regarding to my job applications (you know she’s so makulit). And even I don’t have to ask my elder siblings to look for a new job because I’m not really close with them. I can’t even ask any of my friends because I have some hesitation with them who are too busy in their own jobs. So, I’m so helpless, not only to solve my problem being jobless, but also to find a better love. Therefore, I’m still loves within two years. Yeah, I still don’t have any love relationships after the one “left” me in a far distance. This was the saddest moment for me to be heartbroken. After that, I tried to ask some of my friends to look for their common or close friends to be my new friends (and eventually possible to be my “one true love”). But none of them responded, and eventually they didn’t help me to find for another one to open my heart again. Although I have a “secret admirer” from Singles (of The Feast), it’s not really enough for me if I’m still jobless. I can’t ask any help from my friends from Singles because I really don’t want to have publicity on my love life either in Light Groups or thru social media (e.g. Facebook). Only if I still had a stable job, I probably could have enough time to entertain my crush. But since I still don’t have any job as of now, I can’t. Gosh! I’m so desperate to look for a better one in my love life.
Loveless causes me desperation. From being heartbroken in 2015 to the disaster that I had emotionally and financially last year, I feel I’m so tired to entertain other singles ladies out there. I don’t judge most of them, but I don’t want to have a complicated future with my future partner because of many things – being brainwashed from political situation in the Philippines, having bad experiences from her past, too choosy (they want not-so handsome but rich guy), etc. And I’m not afraid to be “friendzoned” from someone that I thought she’s the “one”. But I feel I’m just hopeless because, first at all, I don’t have any stable job right now. And second, I’m still stuck with my family as I’m still living with them – my senior citizen parents and my eldest siblings that most of them don’t have enough savings. So, if I’ll have a good job someday, they might be relied on me to help for our daily expenses at home. My own future might be uncertain because of them.
Hopeless causes me devastation. I feel I have no future because of relying with my family. I’m not thinking any negative things towards to the possible events in my future, but I already feel the situation. Being jobless, loveless, helpless, hopeless, happy-less, or any _less might simply ruin my future life. I thought that being less is better but not at all. It causes into darkness in my life. In this situation, my life has been dull and full of darkness, but I’m thinking so positively to have brightness towards to my future life. If all the _less are removed, I will have a job, love, hope, helping to others, and happiness that I really, really want to be granted.