Am I Left Behind?

Episode 175 – Thursday, August 10th, 2017 (7527)

Right now, my life is somewhat dark and dull, and it’s even darker than what I had last year where distractions and disasters came, not only emotionally (love), but financially. It’s because I’ve been facing so many struggles in my life and also in my family as well. While I’m still jobless for five long months (officially, not included my ill-fated job stint in Cabuyao) and loveless (no girlfriend) for two months, there are things and unexpected situations that came and distracted even worse. My elder brother has been jobless for three years, and my privacy and personal time in my “own” bedroom has been vanished because of him (his bedroom is connected to mine thru one entrance door). My father has been recovered from mild stroke two years ago, and he barely stands and walks because of his condition. However, there are some times that I get annoyed because of his orders that he can’t do especially throwing his urinal (he can’t go to the bathroom because he can’t walk further). My mother has also been suffered from some illness such as high blood pressure. And lately, my eldest sister has been suffered from an illness that weakens her body, and she barely stands and walks straight due of her condition. As the breadwinner of our family (she’s the only one who has stable job among us), she was hospitalized for almost one week, and the worst, she has been out of work for weeks because of her illness.

My goodness! I can feel the struggles and the disappointment in my life right now especially I’m already within 30s! Unlike most of my friends, past (“Deaf World” Era or pre-2004/pre-U.S. era)1 and present (“Non-Deaf World” Era or post-2005/post-U.S. era)2, they might be already comfortable in their lives right now, I guess, even I know they also have some problems either personal or family. And these are younger than me! Yeah, that’s a fact. Most of them are already within 20s (or before reaching 30s), and most are already married and having children! Buti pa sila, may asawa’t anak na pero ako… nevermind nalang! Some might have already their love relationships (boyfriend or girlfriend) or within their engagement stage, going to be married too soon. But while they are happy to have their sweethearts, I’m so desperately looking for “one true love” after someone left me alone and heartbroken two years ago! Until now, I’m still single (for 777 days) and still searching. Napagiwanan na talaga ako!

1tnmkz

But how can I look for a new girlfriend if I’m still… jobless? Yeah, I have no work and no income in the past few months. Although I have bank savings and back pay that gave from my previous job, it’s not really enough because of damned obligations. Honestly, I have a commitment to pay for my monthly healthcare, and I’m doing this for three years. But damned, I’m gonna regretting on this especially after losing my beloved job last March! Thanks to my former college classmate and friend who, instead of helping me, probably ruined my finances at all. Unlike most of my friends out there, they have stable job, and some have comfortable positions in their respective jobs. Some of them are working in one company for many years, and they’re quite successful in their working career, I guess, while I am… well, my working career has probably been ruined after being dissolved from the company where I worked for three years as a graphic designer.

And you might think I’m already in 30s and had been working for many years. Yeah, I was graduated college in 2010 and began my working career in the same year although I was jobless for few months after graduation. But do you think that I have already saved a lot of money after years of working? The answer is… NO. I’m still NOT financially stable. Do you know why? It’s because of those who ruined my finances, just called them as “parasites”. These were asking for money as debt (utang) or as their financial needs that they would never pay you back. You know what… I was quite stupid back then because I was “hypnotized” by those who were really “parasites” including the one last year who was my textmate because of desperate love. Damned it! Another, I have obligations, such as my monthly healthcare which was started in 2014 and giving some budget for my family (sometimes my jobless elder brother asks me some debt for his personal “interest” and not for searching his new job). That’s why, instead going to my bank savings that prosper my future, my salary from work went to various non-sense things that ruin my dreams in the future. Unlike most of my friends, I guess they already save at least 6-digit amount in their bank accounts because of their hardworking in their respective jobs or “networking” (like some of my friends from the Feast). I just clarify that I’m NOT envy to them having full of abundance, but I get angry to myself because of what I had done before. Naiinis talaga ako dahil sa mga parasites na yan na utang nang utang sa’kin dati pero di na sila bumalik! Arghhhh!!!

Even in technology and leisure, they have hi-tech gadgets such as iPhone with hi-res camera, iPad, laptop with hi-speed internet, and travel different places here and in abroad. While I am, although I have my own phone and laptop, at least, these might be already obsolete at all. My cellphone is somewhat “downgraded”, and my laptop has an older version of Windows (Windows 7, at least, but for them, they might have already Windows 8 or newer version). And I’m always stuck, most of the times, at home with lots of distractions. Although I can travel further from home while searching for a better job, it burns my savings for commuting a public transportation and for the food I eat.

And lastly, I’m not really happy to live with my family because of distractions. As what I have mentioned earlier, my family has been experiencing some illness that affect my health (in the past few weeks, I became ill because of them). And our home has become too “toxic” for me because of negativity. I feel my family doesn’t feel happiness because of having problems. And most of my family members – father, mother, eldest siblings – are too masungit. That’s why I have never become vocal to them because I know they will never understand what I’m going to tell about my own opinion or suggestion regarding solving their problems. Palibhasa kasi bunso ako eh. I feel my family is NOT like the families of my friends (particularly from the Feast). Some of them are happily attending Feast together in one family. And they keep positive in their homes unlike my family who sometimes (but not always) thinks negative. Take note, in this topic, I’m NOT talking that I’m against my own family, but this is to make them aware from their wrongdoings.

I don’t really understand why my life is not so better right now compared to those friends who enjoy their own lives comfortably. They have love life (already married or in a relationship). They have stable jobs. They have full of abundance, somehow. And they have their comfortable lives. But me…, I have been somewhat “ruined” because of these God-damned “parasites” and distracting things that make my life unhappy! I feel that I’m now left behind by most of my friends who are younger than me, and their lives are better than mine. Talagang napagiwanan na ako mga yan dahil sa mga pesteng struggles sa buhay ko! Damn!!! If these bad things didn’t come into my life, I would have been happier and better probably just like my friends.

In my current age (within 30s), I suppose to be married and have an own family life (having children), but I don’t. I suppose to have a serious love relationship (bf/gf and being engaged), but I’m still single and left alone. I suppose to have my own independent life, but I’m still stuck living with my parents. And I suppose to have a happy and wonderful life, but it has been ruined. I really want to thank for those (especially “parasites”) who bothered and ruined my dreams which caused me unhappy and miserable.

comparison with my friends

If ever there’s a time machine invented, I could change and fix my struggle life into a happy life. But it’s impossible because this is my reality that I have right now. And again, I’m NOT envy to some of my friends because of this topic, but I want to emphasize about my current situation in my life where I’m now struggling and facing many problems.

1These are my old friends who are totally deaf (mostly were my classmates and friends from Philippine School for the Deaf (PSD) where I studied there for 10 long years).

2These are my present friends who are non-deaf. Most of them are my friends from the Feast (particularly Feast SM Santa Rosa) since 2013 and my former classmates in college (2006-2010).

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