Loss of Appetite

Episode 164 – Friday, June 23rd, 2017 (7479)

loss of appetite 01

In the past several weeks since I lost my job, my life became boring once again. I have no work, no girlfriend, encountered distractions at home, and every time when I’m going around after my job application, I just walk around the mall alone, unaccompanied, and lonely. And even I have my cellphone that I’ve done anything to get rid my boredom, still I feel so bored because nobody text or chat me on my phone. I feel there’s something missing in my life right now.

Since post-LDR era which it has been now two years already, my life is now so dull with mediocrity. I’m always thinking about my past life where it was way, way back better than what I have right now. I really miss the moment. But since I became single and loveless, I began to lose my appetite to do for my happiness. My happy days were gone.

During most of the second half of 2015, my attention was focused on my work in San Pedro where the happiness and freedom were there despite of many distractions came into my life (such as AlDub phenomenon). I didn’t even join any Light Groups from The Feast most especially those singles (and pretend to be “single”) in their ministry. In early 2016, I started to look for a new textmate to have text conversation that eased my boredom. But I felt I had lost my appetite to text someone because I was not satisfied. Several months later, I tried to look for another textmate again, but it ended with a disaster, not emotionally, but financially because I became a “victim” of evil-doing parasite. Because of this, once again, I began to lose my appetite to have text conversation with my new textmates due of my trauma, and I decided to stop doing this with them after only few months (even I unfriended them on Facebook for good). That’s why the year 2016 was really a disaster and distracted year for me.

However, late last year, there’s one person from Singles Ministry who unexpectedly started our close friendship. I first saw her in Jesus Encounter of Feast SM Santa Rosa (SMSR) back in 2015, but I didn’t befriend her until five months later when I added her on Facebook. On that time, she accepted my friend request even though we didn’t know each other. Until five months later, we began to exchange our chat messages on Facebook. We talked and shared about our everyday lives at work and at The Feast. But although we had already seen each other around at the Feast SMSR, we had never met personally until five months later.

As the year 2017 entered, we finally met each other when she approached me just before the start of the Feast session. We became close friends even though we’re still exchanging our chat messages on Facebook. Eventually she convinced me to join the Love Life Retreat Batch 4 where I join with other singles (and pretend to be “single”) last February. I think I was so glad that she, who was once unknown for me before, came into my life to become a good friend to renew my happiness from brokenness and boredom that I had for almost two years. However, five months after our first meeting, I began to lose my appetite.

A good friend of mine who had been contacting me on Facebook chat before has been “forgetting” me somehow. After I lost my ill-fated job in Cabuyao last April, I began to lose my pleasure, and my life became boring once again. When we had a summer outing with other servants from Feast SMSR last May, I began to be moody on her because I felt she had “left” me alone and gotten her attention to “others” (I don’t mention about her companion). Because of this, I “snubbed” her from the time when I got off from the shuttle bus upon the arrival at the resort. That’s why I became sullen (tampo) because of what I observed on her. A week later, I confessed my apology to her during our Facebook chat after what I did during our outing, but I didn’t tell my real reason why I had sulked on her. However, it might have been my final contact on her, and I haven’t approached her personally and even contacted her (thru Facebook) ever since.

Feeling that she “left” me because of her attention to “others”, I decided to shy away from her and to lose my pleasure to have a chat on her even she’s online on Facebook. I was thinking about this thing because I’ve been out of work for weeks. She’s still my friend though, but my communication with her has been “disrupted” for a while (as per my decision). Nung dumating sya sa buhay ko, parang bumalik yung happiness ko… pero nung tumagal at lately may pumasok sa eksena yung isa, parang nawawala nang ako gana makipagchat sa kanya. Even my “guardian angels” are now shying away from her.

non-sense phone

Also, I have lost my appetite to chat or to text with other friends from Singles particularly two of my potential “crushes” who are also my batch mates in Love Life Retreat. I feel that the other one is too pabebe every time when I have a text or chat conversation on her while the another has too many connections at The Feast, as in, she has many relatives, mostly cousins, attending the Feast. That’s why I feel I have lost my pleasure to entertain them, either personal or thru text and chat. Even to my former textmate, after reconnected with her again on Facebook last March after having no contact for almost two years, however, it seems that she doesn’t care on me at all because she even doesn’t respond on my chat messages or even simple greetings. I feel that her life was changed already from what she had before. We could become [distant] friends though, but that’s so awkward especially few years after our break up.

It’s really unfortunate for me that my happiness has been gone especially after losing my job last April. If only these freaking people didn’t bully me at work in Cabuyao or my beloved job in San Pedro didn’t dissolve, it might be still there in my life even I don’t have a girlfriend or love life. Or if my good friend didn’t have her attention to “others”, we might have been contacting each other especially in Facebook chat making our friendship even closer. All of these are already gone making me from being happy back to be bored. It has been two years since the end of LDR and becoming single. All things that made me so happy 2-4 years ago have been gone forever, and the happiness that I had before has no longer existed… for now. The glory days were already gone! Hindi na ito tulad ng dati. (It’s not the same as before.) =( I feel so desperate!

happiness then and now

But I have only one thing that still exists in my life, and that’s serving with the Lord at The Feast. Yeah, during the times when I was so depressed after the break-up, I almost gave up to serve after I didn’t attend The Feast for two months. I was about to lose my desire to serve because of being heartbroken. But I was able to come back to serve and to relive my pleasure again despite of struggles and losing my desire to socialize and to have my time in work. This is the only one that makes me so happy because I love to serve with God receiving more blessings and praying for my bright future.

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