Episode 143 – Friday, March 31st, 2017 (7395)
In the past several weeks, I have been confused that there’s something I can’t forget from the past. Despite that I’m already moving on from brokenness a long time ago, there’s a “pop-up” from my mind that I still remember my former love. I mean my former girlfriend who had our long distance relationship (LDR) for three long years.
And just last Wednesday, after 642 days of no contact, I didn’t expect that she accepted my friend request on Facebook. Yeah, this was after I tried to reconnect again with her for few times because I wanted to have clarity on what we had broken in 2015 and to have a sincere closure between us. I know it might be wrong to reconnect again to the past, but it’s because I want to have some forgiveness even in my present life thru post-LDR stage. But before our reconnection thru Facebook, I’ll discuss how we built our great barriers to “cut” the communication between two of us.
Right after our unexpected break-up on June 25, 2015, I decided to “disconnect”, “pull out” and “shut down” all of my communications from her because I was hurt so much on what we had from the night where we ended our LDR. I changed my cellphone number; I just “buried” my photos with her into my old archives, and I just removed her from being a friend in Facebook (and eventually blocked her) which indicated my disconnection from her (I also never went back to her place in Nueva Ecija). My bad, but I just needed to do this to move on (and I just followed the “no contact” rule after breaking up of two ex-lovers). In the past 21 months, I had no any idea about her current life during the time, and I wondered, “how was she doing right now?” or “did she have already a new boyfriend?” or whatever. But I didn’t care about these because of my “new direction” of life. Without any communication from her, I just spent my time to watch American sporting events like NBA, NFL, MLB, etc., to have my free time to explore other places despite of being alone, and to write my stories on my blog (My Tent Journal) where I wrote more than 140 episodes after the break-up. However, as what I’ve said earlier, I’ve been confused about this situation. I was thinking about our break-up that I was searching for a real reason. Yeah, I already knew her reason why we ended into break-up almost two years ago, but there’s no clarity on this.
Throughout 2016 and early this year, I tried to send a friend request to my former love on Facebook or even to have a simple private message to her. But I was afraid during that time because I was thinking she might reject me or forget me (for matter of reasons) after I had no communication with her for a long time. Also it bothered me so much because I had been a “moving-on” stage so that I desperately wanted to erase my past memories from her. Yeah, I tried to forget her thru entertaining other girls such as other textmates who wanted to become friends with me (but in the end, it turned into a failure and a disaster especially last year). But I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t erase her from my mind every time when I wrote my throwback stories on this blog about our LDR or even in my dreaming sometimes in the early morning when I woke up (I think I need to “rescan” my mind to erase the “viruses”, hahaha). For an instance, last February, I tried to send a message to her on Facebook or to add her, and I did. But in the last minute, I decided to remove my message or even my friend request from her because I had a fear that she might reject me or forget me, and even I had no idea if she’s already moving on from our past relationship because she might have a new one in her love life.
Until sometime within this month, I approached some of my friends from the Feast to confess about my “bothered” past. Eventually, they suggested me that I might need reconciliation and reconnection with my former love to find the answers for clarity and to have a closure. Then after, I did what they suggested that I sent a friend request to my former love on Facebook. I was in doubt because I had no idea what I was doing wrong. But it was until the next morning.
Finally for a long, long time, she accepted my friend request on Facebook which ended of having “no contact” between us lasting 642 days. When I checked my Facebook from my phone after waking up, I was so surprised that she accepted my request. I was thinking, “Why…? Why did she accept me to reconnect again after a long, long time?” Before heading to my new job, I analyzed her life after our break-up, and I just sent a simple private message to her that I thanked her for accepting me. I felt it was a strange situation where the two “ex-lovers” reconnected in one social networking site. Although I already knew that she’s now graduated from college, I felt so awkward when I found out that she has (or had?) a new love (that guy is quite older than me, and I wondered why she liked older man rather than a younger one). It was really strange to see my former girlfriend happily bonded with her new “love”, but I wondered why she did this just few months after our break-up. I asked myself, “Was this the reason why she broke me up? Or was there another reason?”
Within few months after we’re separated, I learned that she had a new one but in contrast, I became depressed and alone. I felt it was unfair for me because while she was happy to find another one, I was struggling even I had love failures, distractions, and disasters most especially last year (2016). After I saw her photos with her new one on Facebook, I have realized something (although I was shocked and with some hurt feelings), but yet I’m still searching for the right answers. But I still can’t understand why she still accepted me to reconnect again after 642 days of disconnection.
For me, although I know it’s not right to reconnect again to my past (many of my “guardian angels” may disagree this), I need to have forgiveness and clarity to fix and to search the right answer. Our break-up in June 2015 was already happened in my history books, but there’s no clarity and closure so that I need to clarify even though I already knew why she did this to me. And I’m still thinking if there’s a possible that we become friends again…, well I don’t know. But I’m not hoping for a “love comeback” for us because it seems impossible especially she has (or had?) a new one while I’m still single and looking for real “one true love” to end my love drought.
What do you think that my reconnection with my former love is right? Or will this affect my current situation where I’m still searching for another one (especially after Love Life Retreat last February) more deserving than her? Hmmm… let’s see in the next following episodes of my journal for updates and latest development about this situation.