Episode 127 – Thursday, February 2nd, 2017 (7338)
(Note: this episode contains my anger and displeasure, so I hope you’ll understand my bad feelings on my loved ones at home.)
Parents will always be parents! I don’t really understand why my mother always worries me every time when I go out of town, either solo or with friends, despite that I’m already in 30s! Like most recently last Friday, when I and my officemates arrived at Baguio after 6 hours of long travel, she warned me thru text message that I must not use any prostitutes in the area after I told her about our arrival in that city. That’s so ridiculous, wasn’t it? Probably, she had “trauma” on what happened to me accidentally two years ago (I don’t tell the main reason about it that involved with my officemates). I got pissed on what my mother’s advise because I’m no longer a kid to treat me like that! Because of that, my excitement after arriving at Baguio for the first time was temporarily halted. Damned it! Ang tandang-tanda ko na pero parang binababy pa rin ako ni nanay! Oh my gosh!!!
This is not my first time to experience this from my mother who always thinks negative every time when I’m out of town and staying away from home for few days. Ilang araw lang ako mawawala eh ganyan sya kaworry! Ang OA nya ah?!!! There are several times that she worries me as I’m now growing older and no longer as a kid! Palibhasa kasi bunso ako eh samantalang mga elder siblings ko eh okay lang kung mawala sila ng ilang araw sa bahay dahil matanda na sila. Nasaan ang hustisya?!!! I still remember when I was in United States during my exchange program for almost one year that my mother sent me some letters, I think, every two months or so to give her advice to me while I was not at home. I knew I was unhappy every time when she advised me something that I didn’t really appreciate (pati ba naman pag-pose ko habang nagpipicture eh pinupuna pa nya!). Sometimes, I got irritated because I was already old enough to do things (by the way, I was legally 18 back then). That’s why I stopped writing my letters to my family at home few months before I went back to the Philippines, and I decided to not keep any letters that I received from my mother, instead I just left these on one cabinet before my departure going back home.
I also still remember in 2006 when my high school classmate wanted to borrow my MP3 player for his vacation. I supposed to give my gadget to him when my mother stopped me for it. Anu ba naman yan? Pati ba naman personal things ko eh nagkikialam pa nya! Almost four years later, after my worst incident happened in my college life, my mother again warned me every time when I left home to go to school. I got almost mad on her because of a “cheap” thing that she made it into a bigger issue (I don’t tell the main reason that happened in 2009 because of controversy). Take note, I was already 23 back then, and I must be already an adult like those men out there! Gosh! She didn’t defend me like her own child instead she favored to other people than me because of my own personal problem! (I’m sorry about this because I have still some bitterness about the worst incident eight years ago.)
Even when I have a working career, my mother still never stops worrying at me. In 2012, when I was working almost 24 hours straight at Alabang, she texted me after I immediately left from work that she worried me for not going home after my long hours of work. Ayyy… daing pa ako ng isang teenage girl kung pinagsabihan ako ng umuwi nako ng maaga! OMG!!! I really hate to receive a text message from her telling “Anak, saan ka na? Bat di ka pa umuuwi?” Damned it!!! I was almost 26 back then, but this??? For obvious reasons, my phone hadn’t cellphone load to reply her because it’s so irritating!!!
When I had a long distance relationship with my textmate turning girlfriend, I needed to ask permission from my mother to take me a solo travel for only few days to meet my girlfriend in Nueva Ecija. And again, most of the times, she worried me about it especially when I traveled solo, commuted in a provincial bus at night, and arriving home past midnight. I had done this 15 times within three years of LDR, but obviously she had always worried me. That’s NOT okay! But after break-up in June 2015, I had not traveled solo in a far place, so she didn’t worry me anymore. So, was she happy?
And lastly, even my attending at The Feast was really bothered by my mother. In August 2013, during the time when I was jobless, I attended one time at The Feast (when it was located at Central Mall Biñan), and after the session I was invited to take Light Group (LG) with my friends from the Feast. But our LG lasted almost three hours, and I noticed from my phone that my mother worried me because I had not been at home past 11 o’clock in the evening. When I arrived home past midnight from LG, my mother asked me about the “church” that I attended. She was so skeptical during that time because she thought that The Feast was a “born again” just like what other non-Catholic did (similar to Victory Fellowship), but I got upset to her after I quickly showed a bulletin from Feast dedicating that this is a “Catholic gathering prayer”. Of course, because she’s already old, I was so tired to explain about it clearly to her due of her (almost) deafness and misunderstanding. On the next morning, I was still mad on her, and I posted my displeasure on Facebook. Because I was jobless during that time, she always reminded me that I must look for a new job. “Maghanap ka nang trabaho…” Ang drama eh! Pwe!
In all these year, bakit ganun ganun nalang ang iniisip ng nanay ko tuwing magoout of town ako either solo or may kasamang friends? Laging nagwoworry!!! Yung ibang kuya’t ate ko eh di naman sila ginaganyan ni nanay ah? Naiinis talaga ako! Lalo na tuwing sumasama ako sa mga kaofficemates ko eh lagging may flashback ang iniisip ni nanay na baka may gagawin na naman daw ako ng kalokohan sa kanila? Di parin sya nag-momove on? Kumbaga sa break-up, kailangan din nya mag-move on!!! Kung di ako sasama sa kanila next time, anu pa gusto nya sa’kin? Being alone? Wala ako barkada na sasamahan? Di ako makagala sa malalayong lugar? So anu no more worries na, ganun? Daing pa ako ng isang teenage girl sa sobrang higpit! Pwe!
Di nako binababy pa ni nanay dahil matanda nako nuh?!!! I’m already in 30s but still… (I can’t express something mad). Eh panu nako tatanda yan eh lagi nya ako ginaganyan?!!! Anu sya, overprotective sa’kin? Edi wow! Tapos nagdadrama pa pag may ginawa ako ng hindi maganda sa paningin nya. Gosh! Hindi na pagmamahal yun ang tawag dahil nagwoworry sya kundi parang ako sinasakal na! Nagwoworry dahil lumayo lang ako sa bahay ng ilang araw lang?!!! Kainis talaga! Di ko talaga icontrol ang sama ng loob ko! I’m very sorry about my bad expression. I know I suppose to have positivity this 2017, but there’s something that distracts me and my happiness to have my own FREEDOM in my own life! Di na nila dapat kinokontrol ang buhay ko dahil I’m already old enough to decide and to think! My Gosh! I really hate being worried!!! Hindi na sya dapat makialam pa ang buhay ko dahil di na’ko bata at may karapatan na’ko para sa sarili kong buhay. I hope she’ll understand especially when I’ll have my own family in the future.
I really want to encourage my mother to attend Feast one time, but I know she’s too much busy on her household duties especially every Sunday. Few years ago, most of my friends from The Feast like Marian Carpo met my mother at one time to explain why I’ve been attending Feast, and later my mother accepted on what I am doing right now. But still, I’m hoping she will attend Feast someday to open up her “negative” mind to stop worrying me because I’m already old enough to think, to decide on my own, and to have my own freedom in my life. That’s all.
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Finally, I’ll attend Love Life Retreat
It’s already February, and just few weeks to go before Love Life Retreat of Singles Ministry from the Feast SM Santa Rosa. Well, after weeks or months of thinking and consulting deeply, I finally decided to join the retreat which will be held on February 25-26 in Tagaytay. The reason why I joined this event was because of the encouragement of my new friend from Singles who always exchanges our communication on Facebook chat. She has been my “chatmate” on Facebook since August 2016, but we hadn’t met personally each other until January 15th despite that I had already seen her before around at the Feast (I first saw her on Jesus Encounter in October 2015 when I was a servant for Media Ministry). I really want to thank her for such a nice gesture to invite me on this year’s Singles Retreat.
Because this event will be an overnight stay, I know my mother will worry me about it despite that my companions will be my Feast friends with good moral attitude. Baka naman sasabihin nya eh may gagawin daw ako ng masama? Ayyy… naku! She’s so pessimistic like my father! Hehehe! But let’s see if there will be NO more worries from my mother as I will attend Love Life Retreat three weeks from now. I hope I’ll see most of my friends from Feast SMSR on that event. And please pray for this successful event. Have a nice day!