Episode 116 – Thursday, December 29th, 2016 (7303)
The year 2016 was the year of mediocrity in love. It has been 18 months after the end of my (long distance) love life which made me depressed and bored in life. For the whole year, I’ve no girlfriend or any love relationships even I don’t have any crushes around as I’ve still been single and loveless. I tried to entertain for those girls who wanted to be my prospects to become my new girlfriend, but I failed. And the worst, there was a “love” disaster that made me so frustrated and anger, not only emotionally, but financially.
Just only few days left before the year 2016 ends (I really need to end this so badly), I just want to share the happenings about my love (less) life which was so dull and placed into mediocrity.
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Trying to Have New Textmates But Failed
In the beginning of 2016, I tried to search for my new girlfriend by having a friend thru text messages (SMS) as textmate. In January, because of being depressed in searching for one true love (OTL), a friend of my boss gave me a cellphone number to contact one of his textmates/friends. When I tried to contact that person, she asked me how I got her number, but there was something that she didn’t get it. Days later, we exchanged our text messages to have communication, but most of the times she didn’t reply. I didn’t know if she was busy or something that she might not like me as a text friend. I felt she’s not deserved to be new textmate because I felt dissatisfied on her being a textmate aside of being non-sense. So, I just decided to stop contacting her anymore. In the next several months, I never tried to have another textmates again because I lost my appetite to socialize other people. However, later on, I decided to try another once more because of frustration in searching for OTL.
In August, I tried to post my cellphone number publicly thru a website where most people wanted to have their textmates. I also looked for someone to contact from that website. I first contacted a lady from Bulacan who just recently broke up from her boyfriend. At one time, she talked me thru phone call to have some conversation about our heartbroken situations. Although I seemed her to be a nice person and pretty, I observed her personal background that she’s jobless and has a different religion (not a Catholic). I might have judged her about her personality, but I didn’t like her past where she told me a story about her former boyfriend who committed suicide years ago because of her. I felt that she still loved on that person despite that he’s gone long time ago (she reminded her favorite love song for him). In the following few months, I felt that she’s not deserved to be my prospect to be my new textmate, and I also noticed her being brainwashed by political situation in the Philippines (based on her post on Facebook) which made me disappointed. So, I just decided to not take any contacts (either text messaging or chat on Facebook) with her as well as I just unfriended her on Facebook (my final contact with her was on her birthday last November).
During that time, she was not the one who became my [short-lived] textmate. I had other textmate from Pampanga although I seemed her (when I added her as a friend on Facebook) pretty but slightly boyish. However, my friendship on her as textmate didn’t last long. Another one was a pretty girl from Bulacan where she’s just a college student. But because I felt she was not so serious on taking her textmates (in fact, I didn’t know her real name even though I had already seen her pretty face on Facebook), I decided to stop contacting with her after becoming my text friend less than a week as I began to lose my desire and lack of satisfaction to have a textmate.
They might be my “potential” textmates who didn’t last so long (about only a month or two). They were not like to my former (first and only) textmate who had always communicated with me thru text messages for several months before she eventually became my girlfriend. I might easily judge them because of their personalities, but that’s my good decision to not befriend for those unknown.
Almost “Love” Disaster
Last August, I began to search for my potential textmate by posting my cellphone number on a public website (not Facebook) where most people wanted to have a text friend. However, if having a textmate turned into a failure last January, this would turn into a disaster.
One afternoon of August 12, a lady surprised me when she contacted me thru a text message. I thought that she probably found my number on the website where I posted. So, we began, as textmates, to exchange our text conversation, and in an unexpected situation, she wanted to meet me personally. On the next day, I went to a mall in Quezon City for our “eyeball”. I waited her for several minutes until she finally found me. On my first observation on her, she’s just chubby and wearing eyeglasses that I reminded her as the “2.0 version” of “You-know-who”, my deaf enemy who ruined my school life in 2004. We had our lunch date and a movie date where we had our holding hands while watching a movie. Although I had some love feelings on her, I decided to hold her hand just because of my absence to have holding hands with a girl. After all, because of my “stupidity”, she began to solicit me where she would do for over a week because of her willing to buy a brand-new car (I don’t want to tell about the bad incident which ruined me, not only emotionally, but financially because of embarrassment). She also promised that she would bring me to Tagaytay to have our overnight stay together. That’s so weird though. I had never seen a nice lady who invited me to have our overnight stay despite that we only met for the first time. And she had an infamous catchphrase every time when she let me to accept her will: “Sige na please, my love!” (My love, my love pa nalalaman! Pwe! Hehehe!) There was something wrong about my first-time meeting with her because she easily fell in love to me even she didn’t know more about me. Although I kept contacting her for over a week because of my “stupidity” regarding to my finances that she owed, I just decided to cut my text communication on her because of her wrongdoings. She victimized me in emotional love and also in my finances as she ruined these! My God! No… no… this is wrong! Because of this, I just called her as “evil chubby textmate” because of what she did to me so badly.
Because of the trauma of that love and financial disaster, I began to stop entertaining my other textmates, and I have lost my desire to have another textmate again, as well as my text communication to everyone. This might lead the end of having textmates (Textmate Era) and the end of the SMS communication which flourished my love life (thanks to my former textmate turned girlfriend) that began in 2011.
Boredom and Loveless
Because I don’t have now any textmates, my life is back to be dull and bored. In almost all of the times this year, I don’t have to talk any of my friends either thru text messages, chat on Facebook, or even in person. As you know, I’m not type of social person who talks too much with friends. Even in my love life, for the whole year, I don’t have any single girl to become my crush. There’s no courtship or even friendship to a new female friend. I feel that most of them are too socialized to their many friends. I might easily judge them because of their personality, but I don’t want to have any risks regarding in my feelings, as well.
That’s why boredom has been existed throughout my life this year. I stayed at the office alone as my “exile country” during Sundays (or after The Feast) or ate a lunch in a restaurant alone and without any companion. That’s really sad, wasn’t it? When I opened my Facebook and tried to chat any friends, most of them didn’t reply me at all even though they’re online. They might be busy, but probably I know they didn’t want to have free time with me either. And do you know where’s my love? Nothing! Zero! Nganga! I really miss to have a nice and lovable girlfriend. I might be little bit envy for those who are in love relationship. But it might cause me to become a “love-hater” where I hate things about love such as Valentine’s Day, heart shapes, lovers around the mall holding their hands together, and love songs that I don’t want to hear while I’m still single and loveless. In fact, last February 14, I didn’t celebrate Valentine’s (that’s why I didn’t attend the Feast during that day because… you know I would be distracted), but instead I just stayed at the office alone to watch NBA All-Star Weekend thru live streaming. Since I became single, I just unfollowed for those who posted their pictures with their boyfriends/girlfriends (but they’re remained my friends though). I might be little bit bitter on this and get irritated on their sweet photos, but that’s the reality. I don’t want to see them around while I’m alone and loveless.
I know I’m too frustrated on this while I’m trying to search for OTL. But sometimes I almost give up because of these kinds of situations such as being brainwashed by political situation in our country (Dutertards vs Yellowtards), having different religions (other than Catholic), personality, or even social life where most of them might have higher standards in love (as they are looking for rich single men out there, as you know… that’s because of their poverty). And again, I might judge them, but that’s the reality, and you know it, right? That’s why I don’t want to talk somebody simply because of their own responsibilities in life.
While I’m still single, I might find some ways to ease my boredom. Last June, I tried to have my participation in Singles Ministry of Feast SM Santa Rosa. At one time, there was a lady sitting beside me while attending the Feast, and after that she encouraged me to join the Singles where she belonged. I had already seen her before, but it was my first time to meet her personally. Because I’ve been single for a long time, I thought she was still single, and I was trying to make some appreciation on her, but I didn’t. And last August, I got almost a crush on her because I found out that she has already a boyfriend based on my observation about her background and her surrounded friends. That was my good decision to not take any feelings on her, but almost I did. But I didn’t understand why she’s still included in the Singles Ministry despite of having her love relationship.
I just got some “minimal objection” on this ministry because I wondered why not all people in Singles are still “single”. After I discovered her true identity despite of her beauty and being nice, I just made sure that it might not be hurt on my feelings, so I don’t get any attention on her because of this. But I didn’t understand why this ministry was called “Singles” despite that not all people belonged to the ministry are still “single”. There are some who have already in their love relationship while others are truly (and legitimate) single. That’s unfair for those singles and heartbroken people, like me, to bond together with somebody who has their love relationships. So, for the first time, I got my “bizarre” objection that I ever made at The Feast.
However, there’s an explanation from my Feast friend, Alex, who has been in the Singles for years. He explained me while chatting on Facebook:
“It is because of their spiritual needs the guidance that they need in helping them to grow, so they’re still counted in Singles. If they’re excluded from Singles, what ministry will help them? Being part of the Singles Ministry goes beyond the civil status. We have two kinds of singles: singles in a relationship and singles who are not in a relationship. It’s because those who have boyfriend or girlfriend are not yet a couple technically because they’re not married, living together or having children yet. So the needs for singles in a relationship are almost the same for other singles.”
I might be skeptic during that time, but I understand on his explanation. However, despite of this, I have never joined Singles or any ministries because of not being socialized with other people even my nice friend from the Feast has encouraged me to join the Love Life Retreat next year. Kapag sumama ako sa mga ganyan, sa tingin mo may kakausapin nila ako ganun sobrang tahimik ko at medyo may pagkabulol ako? I’m so sorry to tell this (baka sabihin eh medyo negative ang mga sinasabi ko), but that’s my true expression.
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This year was not so really a good year for me because of being loveless. I had almost had a love life, but it turned into worse (thanks to evil chubby textmate). And most of the times this year, I have been bored and dull. No talk, no love, and no more textmates. I might be silent all year long, and this might lead me into sickness such as stroke. Being mediocre in love was the saddest part in my life this year.
I might share my flashbacks happened this year with some negativity. But because I really want to end the 2016 so badly, I just keep praying and wishing to have a nice love life. Hopefully next year (2017), my one true love might come to save my frustrated love life, and she might love me forever to have our bright future and also my independence from those who distract me and my life. I don’t know who will be my OTL, but I’m still hoping she will come before it’s too late. And the year 2017 will be my better year to search for a girl to become my lovable girlfriend who will love me forever and ever.