Doubt

Episode 112 – Wednesday, December 21st, 2016 (7295)

doubt

Only few days left before Christmas! But I’m not so much excited for this Christmas season because of the distractions came in my life this year. Yeah, I feel I’m just bored because I didn’t have written new episodes for my blog for days, and I’m just thinking what I will write for. I haven’t even started to write my 2016 review (5 episodes about my life in 2016) which will be published next week. And I don’t know if I’ll do this before the year ends because of having a busy work at my job. I have lots of free times though, but sometimes I don’t have enough time to take a nice rest and relaxation (yeah, thanks to my jobless elder brother who plays his noisy radio everyday). I doubt if I can finish my last remaining episodes (including my 2016 review and The Best and The Worst of 2016) to be published before the New Year. I also doubt if there will be a Christmas party in my work despite of some changes, and I also doubt about my future. Because of doubts, in this episode, I’ll discuss about doubts in my life.

Doubt in My Love Life

where_are_you__by_jajoo

It has been almost 18 months, and I’m still single and loveless. Until now, I can’t even find a prospect who will be my next dream girlfriend (and a future wife, as well). There are so many single ladies around there, but there are doubts where there’s a hesitation to find someone to be my new friend and eventually to become my future love. I doubt that some ladies might be “brainwashed” by today’s dirty politics because of social media (in case you don’t know, my home country has somewhat unstable political condition). Some of them were influenced to be fantards of most political identities such as pro-Duterte (or Dutertards), pro-Marcos (especially when they favored the former president as a hero), and Yellowtards (referring to the Aquinos, People Power, and Liberal Party). Every time when I check news feeds on Facebook, some of my friends are reacting about politics (most of them are Dutertards), and I get irritating to them because of their harsh comments. That’s why I just unfollowed them, but they’re remained my friends on Facebook as well. One example was a lady from Bulacan who became my textmate last August. However, I got some disappointment to her after I read her comments about politics, so later on I just decided to unfriend her (she’s no longer my textmate by the way).

To clarify, I’m not Dutertards or even Yellowtards where most of their fantards are arguing over social media. I’m just neutral in Philippine politics despite of being so dirty and unstable condition. I can’t understand how our government officials and our fellow Filipinos, as well, make our country into prosperity if they are arguing because of controversies. My God! That’s why I can’t even find a perfect lady to be my next dream girlfriend because of these!

And not only that, the girl’s personal background and attitude are another reason why I really hesitate or doubt to find a right girl. I really doubt what if she doesn’t like me, or she’s already having a boyfriend (just like what happened last June when I almost got a crush to a Feast friend whom I thought she’s still single because of her participation in Singles Ministry, but she’s not), or she has any connections from my past, or she’s already a (single) mother. These are so many doubts regarding to my searching for my next dream girlfriend (and a future wife), so that’s why I have hesitation on these.

Doubts for My Future with My Family

Paper family in hands

Just few days left before the year 2017 came. But there’s any doubt about my living with my family in the future. Since I’m still unmarried, I’ve stayed with my parents for a longest time (with the exception when I was in the United States way back 2004-2005). I know some of my friends are already married and living in their own house together with their own family (without parents or any of their siblings). But I’m now growing older and still living with my parents at home. My parents are already in their 70s, and their future will be uncertain if they can live longer as I know they are now experiencing some natural illness where my father was diagnosed with a mild stroke last year while my mother had suffered high blood pressure last August where she felt dizziness and collapsed on the floor which made me so panic after I witnessed her collapse.

Also, since I’m the youngest among my four siblings, their future will be uncertain. My eldest sister has still a stable job despite that she’s already in early 50s, and like me, she’s the one to provide the daily basic needs of our family. My elder brother is still jobless and has a long-time girlfriend. His future, as far as I know, is unknown because of being jobless and being dependent to our parents and those who have stable jobs like me (as he sometimes begs me for his own finances which is really ashamed because he’s older than me). So if I’ll be the only one who has a stable job in the future, shall they be over dependent on me regarding to our family’s basic needs?

And how about my freedom/independence to set up my own life? While I’m still looking for a right girl in my life, there will be uncertain for me to have my own freedom in the future. But I doubt what if I don’t my future life will be devastated.

Doubts in My Working Career and Finances

career-advancement

In the past 6 years since I started to work after my college graduation, my working career has not grown to success so far. From working in Alabang, in Mandaluyong, and in San Pedro, my job has been still an ordinary type of job as a graphic artist/designer. I don’t tell my career has no process, but how about my savings? Has it grown after 6 years of work? I don’t feel the process. After all of my working hard, sleepless nights, overtimes, and haggard and stressful environment, my savings don’t grow well. I’m not overspending on food or gadgets that I want to buy, but it is because of being careless. Forcing to join “scams” (as I was “hypnotized”), failure to grow business, and begging from so-called “parasites” were the main reasons why my finances didn’t grow badly. I just blamed myself why I did all of these because of innocence. Although I had learned from a financial school two years ago, it was not enough for me to have some knowledge about financial grow and savings. As I’m growing older, I need to save for my future needs especially when I’ll retire.

However, I doubt if my working career in the future will be uncertain. That’s a job security. I don’t think if there will be some changes on my job in the future (like what happened in my first job in Alabang where most of my former colleagues were forcibly terminated after dissolving their department or project). Like right now, my job in San Pedro is somewhat uncertain in the future. There might be some changes, but I don’t know if I and my other colleagues will be affected.

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While I’m writing about this episode, I’m not thinking any negative thoughts regarding my possible scenarios in my future life. But I make sure that I’m working hard so perfectly to make my future bright. So, I need to remove any doubts in my life and no more “what ifs” regarding in my future. Let’s hope that the year 2017 will be better year for me and for those who really didn’t appreciate because of distractions and bad incidents happened in the past 12 months of 2016. We must shout that there will be NO doubts and what ifs in the future and keep praying to have more blessings, more positivity and more abundance to come.

doubt-kills-more-dreams-than-failure-ever-will-quote-3

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