Missing Happiness

Episode 97 – Friday, October 7th, 2016 (7220)

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At the start of October, I’m still numb in my life right now. It has been 15 months since I became single and loveless, and it’s almost two months since the worst incident came in my life emotionally and financially, so that I’m almost crying, angry, and unhappy in the things happened in everyday lives. Within this week at work, I’ve done nothing, yeah, nothing to do for almost whole day. I and my other officemates have been idle at work because the magazine for the next month has not been yet already to be written or assigned. So we’re just surfing on the internet for the whole day watching some videos on YouTube, logging in on Facebook, and other things on the web. It’s so relax to have idle time for the whole day at work. I supposed to be happy for the lifestyle during working time, but… it sounded boring for me.

Since I became single and loveless (the end of long distance relationship last June 2015), I’m not happy in my life right now. I’m always alone almost all the times (at work, during lunch time outside, and commuting in a public transportation), so that sometimes I’m not really happy to be lonely and alone. Even I’m not happy when I see someone who has a sweet love (having boyfriend or girlfriend). I’m not envy with them, but I miss the happiness when I had love life. That’s so sad! Another, I’m also not happy with my family right now. My jobless elder brother, my father who suffered mild stroke, my mother who also suffered high blood pressure, and the noisy environment (such as watching non-sense TV shows) are the reasons why I’m not happy too much at home almost every time. That’s why almost everyday I go outside to have my “freedom” although I’m still NOT happy for that because I’m just alone. And the last one, I’m not happy what I’m saving financially. Since my savings got “robbed” by evil textmate last August because of my “stupidity”, I became almost crazy and dying what I had done on my savings. Right now, I’m trying to recover what I lost on my savings again, but it’s not enough because of the expenses – paying for my healthcare monthly (thanks to my old friend, royalprince who “ruined” my money to the healthcare (required to pay for 4 more years) instead going to my bank savings directly), expenses at home (medicine maintenance of my mother, food, electricity), and others that I don’t want myself to be hungry. My God! I feel, in the future, I’ll never be married because of these, and my dream to be independent from distractions in the family will be dead forever! Arghhh!!!

Anyway, this week, I feel so bored almost the whole day from waking up in the morning, commuting from home going to work, working on the computer, then going back to home until I go to sleep at night. And I’m doing this everyday – Monday to Friday. But there’s something missing in my everyday life – talking with someone or having communication. At home, I rarely speak up to my parents and my elder siblings. And even at work, I also barely talk with my officemates (mostly are male). However, despite of having friends, I barely chat with them either Facebook or text messages because I know they never reply me back at all. I think they’re busy at their work or their duties, but why? And having textmate? Well, because of the worst incident happened last August when I met my worst textmate who ruined my savings, I’ve gotten trauma to have unknown strangers to become my textmates. Although I have contacted some textmates (they eventually became my friends on Facebook), it seems I’m not really happy to have textmates (that’s why I decided to stop having contact with them or even to other strangers). Most of them don’t reply me back at all most especially in text messages. Of course, cellphone load including unlimited text promo will be wasted because of not replying me. Even chatting on Facebook is not relaying for me at all. Slow data connection, data charges, and even slow response on my phone (easily caused the battery low) are not satisfied to have a contact with someone (even one of my cellphones is really old so that I hardly switch on every time when it locks making my finger in pain). Having communication is the most important and the key to have a good relationship. But for me, it is absolutely missing because they are not having contact with me so much. So lack of communication causes me into depression and being alone. I know I’m such a quiet person though, but if there’s no communication with me at all, I would have been heart attack or stroke because of being too much depressed.

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Well, in the past 20 years, my life is just like a roller coaster ride – it has been ups and downs. There’s happiness, but there’s also depression. My happiness was begun when I was a child until the time when my deaf enemies invaded my community. I was too childish before though, but I felt it with sorrow. Although I started to be happy when I was in early years of high school, I went down on the third year, and my depression was even worsened when I entered to study fourth year because of controversies at school. However, my grief was easily forgotten when I was in the United States enjoying my life in the most wonderful experiences while I erased the trauma that I had back at home. However, my happiness was just a temporary when I came back home facing new problems in my life especially in my family. Even though during my first years in college was quite wonderful, it was not even enough when I became depressed, and even my life was almost ruined when another controversy stroke during my final months in college. Even after college graduation, I had still a trauma, and my happiness couldn’t be brought back until an unknown stranger came in my life. I had a nice textmate who made me so happy despite of long distance that we stayed contacted, and my happiness was even better when we became lovers a year after and lasted for three sweetest years until it was over in June 2015. After that, my life was back into boredom and depression that I’ve been experiencing up to this date.

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*Note: graph not to scale

Those distractions, problems, and negativities in the past 15 months are the things that make me down, grief, and depressed. I’m so upset because of those killing my happiness. However, those are just temporary in my life right now and not lasted forever in the rest of my life (I hope so). I really, really miss my life when I was happy with somebody especially in my love life. I know it will never be happened again, but I’m still hoping and praying that happiness will be back in my life again as soon as I’ll find a special someone who will love me forever (as one true love).

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