Episode 88 – Thursday, September 1st, 2016 (7184)
It’s already September, and it’s the start of “ber” months where we’re so excited that Christmas is already near (although it’s too early to start putting Christmas decorations). My goodness, I’m so thankful that it’s the beginning of a new month, and I want to have a new chapter in my life. Unlike last month, I was so pissed from the unexpected events that ruined my silent and loveless life.
Well, as you know, last month was so awful for me, not only in my love life that I almost had an “illegitimate” girlfriend, but also in my finances. And it was supposed to be my “month” where I celebrated my birthday, but right after, it was turned into one of my worst nightmares in my whole life. Although I got a major, major mistake that I made (posting my mobile numbers in a public website where everyone could search for their textmates), there was one stranger who contacted me thru text messages in the first place, but in later days she made me so stressful and hypnotized me almost to have a “love relationship” with her. I don’t want to tell about it again because I’ve already mentioned in past two episodes that I published. And that made me so traumatic.
Anyway, this latest “nightmare” happened last month was the one of the worst traumatic experiences that I had in my whole life. I had faced so many bad experiences in the past ever since I was a teenager (or Deaf School Era when I studied in a deaf school particularly Philippine School for the Deaf (PSD)). I don’t want to recall about my past bad experiences causing me trauma, but because today is throwback Thursday, I just share some notable events that became so bad (or even worst) to me and my life.
Deaf Invasion (1998-1999)
Before the so-called deaf invasion in my community, I was so happy with my neighbors especially my playmates who played with me outside and on the streets. But my happiness was begun to be ruined in late 1998 when one of my deaf schoolmates from PSD came in my neighborhood to live with her family. She had her freak brother who was seemed as a “gangster” because of his connection with a fraternity group, and later on she halted her studies because of poverty (really? Or I think she was probably so dumb to learn that’s why she never continued her studies). Because of them, I was so furious on that time because her family “invaded” my territory where they made my childhood neighbors as their new friends. They eventually became my enemies because they ruined my childhood life. One of the infamous episodes that I made was my walkout from my childhood friends (that was in 1999) after I got anger to her freak brother. Since then, I never went outside to play or to have chat with my neighbors (probably because of my hesitation and shame).
Years passed by, every time when I saw her or one of her family members, I just simply snubbed them because I’m no longer in so-called “Deaf World” where she belongs because of being deaf. However, there’s some trauma to me even though I’m now working in a corporate world. She and her family may live in my neighborhood forever, but who cares? As of now, well I really don’t care about them (excommunicated from my life) even they’re still living in my community.
“You-Know-Who” and Favoritism (2004)
“You-know-who” (the 1.0 version) was my friend turned into some complication (I don’t tell this why). She was a model student in PSD where I studied one school year earlier than hers. However, because of favoritism at school, she was favored by most of the teachers (that’s why she was always active in school activities). And the worst thing that happened to me was her “scandal” (although I was not involved, but this affected me and my friendship with her worsened). At one time, she slapped me because of something that I did badly against her. We ended with reconciliation as I felt that she “won” the battle after I protested for being favoritism. She became my mortal enemy though, and when I was in United States, I continued my fight against her and being favoritism at school. But when I supposed to come back to PSD (I would repeat fourth year high school after my graduation at Alabama School for the Deaf was not accredited to the Philippine high school curriculum), I had a plan to have a peaceful agreement with her because she would be my classmate (and rivals for valedictorian), but this never happened.
Thanks to my mother who kept my promise to transfer me to other school, I studied to a non-deaf school, and my peaceful agreement with “You-know-who” didn’t happen. She was remained as one of my long-time enemies (considered as “Frozen War”). In 2010, I had almost a chance to have reconciliation with her when she asked me for forgiveness, but soon I declined. Since then, she was excommunicated from my friendship and my life as well. Right now, I have never heard any news about her because I’m now living in a new life.
My transfer to non-deaf school (located in my community) turned into consequences. Some of my non-deaf classmates bullied me because I was too quiet at the class. I was so pissed on that time when they threw some pieces of paper to me, and not only that, some of them “threatened” me after I refused to lend my ballpen to them causing me into anger, and eventually they were reported to the principal’s office for probation. But the “nightmare” wasn’t still ended to me when they continued to bully me for quite sometimes. I still remember during our graduation practice where some of them were pushing and playing me down. I was so mad at them causing me to walk out from the practice.
In later years, I have never any contacts to my non-deaf classmates in high school. At one time around 2011 or 2012, there was a high school reunion, and some of them wanted to invite me for the occasion. But because of trauma, I refused to attend (I knew they would bully me again). Although most of them are still living in the same community, I don’t have any communication all of them, and those who bullied me before were become my enemies as well (and they were excommunicated from my life).
“Cutie Chinese” and Non-Sense Controversy
When I was in college, I met my pretty classmate, just called her “Cutie Chinese” because of her personality. She lived in the same community, so that sometimes I accompanied her going to school and back to home. She eventually became my college crush because of her beauty and her talent in drawing. However, I had dismayed on her because of her characteristics (wearing light dress to expose her whitened body, her silly acts and being flirt to other guys). That’s why almost I became “obsessed” on her that led me into controversy. I don’t want to tell about this in whole because it was already past and “buried” (erased from my memory), but this caused me anger and trauma that almost destroyed my college life. If I didn’t meet that girl, my college life was supposed to be okay until the end.
Well, after several years, I really don’t care about her and her family because they are already my PAST! In 2013, when I was taking my bicycle, she greeted me without any hesitation, but I just “snubbed” her. She’s no longer in my life (because she already has a good partner with her first child), so that I have no longer to communicate with her (and her family) anymore. But because she and her family are still living in the same community as I am, I have still trauma regardless to my appearance on the streets of the community (especially when I go out for my work or attending the Feast and vice versa) because one of them might spot me around. That’s why I want to get out from the community and to live further in the future (with my own family).
The Parasite (2014)
In April 2014, when I worked at San Pedro, my boss introduced me a girl who was too short (petite) but pretty. I just called her in initials: R.M. When I met her personally, she was such a good and simple girl, but as time went by, she became a “parasite” as she asked me some money for her rent (buying a stove, cabinet, kitchen utensils, cleaning items, etc.). At first, I just want to help her for her job, but I realized that she “used” me. She became “obsessed” me because she’s begging me for some money (as her debt) causing me into trauma. I was blaming myself why she became my friend for only a week. After the incident, my boss got mad at her, and she was taken back to her province.
R.M. was similar to what “Textmate A” did badly to me last month. Although she didn’t have love obsession to me, she was such a “parasite” dragging (or almost stealing) my finances. I also got pissed on her because of buying her personal things from my money and carrying them (thru public transport or commuting) to her rental house somewhere in Parañaque, about 12 miles (or 19 kilometers) from my workplace in San Pedro. Just like “Textmate A”, she ruined my peaceful life for a week.
As of now, I have never heard or any contacts about her (I guess she already has a baby), but I really don’t care because she’s the one of the worst friends that I ever met in my whole life.
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I have so many bad “nightmares” from the past that caused me so traumatic and stressful (including my latest situation happened last month). These can ruin my dreams and my future life. These people may be not considered as good friends (turned into enemies), but at least they were once part of my life in the past. My bad memories must be buried and should NOT be remembered at the present.
But what I can do to overcome the stress and trauma is to shout loudly and to energize myself (playing loud music is better). And there’s only one thing to do is to pray to our Lord. Yeah, I always pray for my past mistakes and situations. I hope this month and in the following months and years to come there’s no more “nightmares”, “parasites”, and anxiety that come into my life, and instead of bad and negative things, the positive and better things will come to grant my dreams for my better future.