Giving Up… Almost

Episode 82 – Wednesday, August 3rd, 2016 (7155)

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I’m going crazy in the past week about things that so annoying to me. Last Friday when I arrived home from work, I got a mail from a friend of my host (or foster) mother in the U.S. But the mail was arrived home while I was still at work. Of course, everybody at home got curious on the mail that supposed to be received by me personally and not others. When I got this mail, my mother asked me about it. I hate to be asked about my personal things! She noticed that the mail from unknown which she thought from a Chinese friend. I answered to her about it that it’s from a friend of my foster mother back in the U.S. But because my mother is already old and deafened, she didn’t understand what I was explaining about. She said it’s from “Michael”. What the heck she’s talking about “Michael”? On the next day, she asked me about the mail over and over again! Gosh! I told her it’s from a friend of Woolmakers (my foster family who lived with me way back when I was exchange student in the U.S. 12 years ago). Again, she didn’t understand what I was talking, and I felt disappointed that she almost forgot the Woolmakers – considered as my “second” family in my life back in the U.S. I understand my mother because she’s already old, but I’m so tired questioning me especially my personal things! That’s my private property and NOT theirs! That’s none of their businesses!

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For the next time, these mail deliveries that are only belonged to my name will be no more sent directly at home.

By next time, if someone wants to send mails or letters to me, they must NOT be sent directly to home (not MY home, I clarify) because I know my parents and my older siblings will be curious these things while I’m not at home. Everyone at home is just like they’re working in the customs! Instead sending these mails or letters to home, I’ll just pick up these from the post office or just send them to my workplace (considered as my “exile country”) in San Pedro.

Back at home, I’m so displeased every time when I stay there. While my parents are getting old, my older siblings are getting noise inside the house. One of the most distracting things that I feel discomfort is my jobless elder brother. Although he now stops “bullying” me by calling my name like a goat, he’s still jobless, and sometimes he asks me for his “financial” needs (I know he’s now not trying to look for his stable job because he’s already in mid-40s though). Aside of distractions, the house is just like an oven because of so hot inside. It has only two windows that we receive some “fresh” air and the sunlight. My bedroom (including my Tent Office) has NO windows so that it’s so hot to make me so sweat especially during summertime. I can’t even do my personal things in my bedroom because of the heat and my elder brother that his bedroom is connected to mine.

This has been a long, long nightmare for me. The distractions, the negativity, being underestimate (because I’m just the youngest or bunso), the noise like in the public market, having “parasite” (especially in my finances) and hot temperature make me and my life so miserable. I can’t solve these because, again, I’m just the youngest, and my older siblings might misjudge me for every decision. That’s why I never, never, never ever open or confess my feelings and displeasures to them because they might not understand what I feel. (I’m thankful because I only express my displeasures thru this blog where everyone at home doesn’t know how to use internet.) Because of this, I just give up the “tasks” from some of my friends that encouraged me to change the “flow” of my family. But I didn’t because of the “crab-mentality” of my older siblings.

In my old age, I really want to secede from my family at home and to set-up my own freedom. But how can I set my freedom if I’m still unmarried? I have still NO girlfriend until now, and I have been in state of urgency! Most of the times, I’m almost giving up to search for “one true love” because I have been no longer to interest some girls out there due of security and personal concerns. I had already done this before many times (mostly during my 7-year love drought). Back in 2005, I decided to stop searching for a nice lady after my failed love life to my crush who was an American deaf girl (and my team mate, too). That time, I had also a promise that I would stop searching someone in my heart at my age of 25. But months later, I got a deaf sweetheart, but we didn’t last so long (due of my return back home after the exchange program). In 2007 when I was in college, I had a “deadline” to quit my courtship to other girls after the controversy that I sulked to my chubby classmate. In 2009, I wrote my promise again that someone becoming my girlfriend would be my last. Three years later (2012), I had long distance relationship (LDR) with my first-ever non-deaf girlfriend (causing the break of the “curse” and love drought). However, in 2015, we didn’t last after three years of LDR. She’s probably my last girlfriend in my life, but I don’t think this will NOT be the final (to close down my heart forever).

For right now, I feel I lose my appetite to “flirt” some pretty girls, either personal or thru social media, because they might think I’m a stalker or something bad (you know…, security is a must). And the worst, they might look for better guy who might be not so handsome but rich. I know it, based on my observation. Their personalities and attitudes must be analyzed. But am I insecure to them? And if I’ll give up finding the right girl to become my future wife and to have my own happy family, I know the outcome of my future: devastation! My life might be worsened than ever because I’ll be still stuck with my family and my older siblings at home. Of course, the nightmare will be existed until the rest of my whole life! NO! It can’t be! I’ll have heart attack because of this!

I’m so tired to fight my FREEDOM from these distractions, not only from home, but also in the community (enemies living everywhere). I’m thinking to give up and making my future life into miserable. My dreams will be downfall if this will happen. Do you want me to become unhappy in my future life with these distractions because of my tiredness? Think about it.

I feel I’m so down right now because of “mediocrity” in life. I have almost given up my dreams and opportunities about my own freedom. Sometimes, I have little bit envy to others who have their happy love life and family, as well. They’re posting their pictures with loved ones (girlfriend/boyfriend or even family member) on Facebook. That’s why I feel sad and pathetic about myself because my life is not like with them.

I’m hoping that someday I will rise from the worst situations in life to the positive, prosperous and happy life. I want hope. I want to have a bright future. And most of all, I want to have a right girl in the right place and in the right time. I remember a nice message from one of my friends while I was in the U.S. which said, “Life is fun, but you will have disappointments… I know you will learn from this and other disappointments and become stronger, smarter and more confident.” I really, really need to get rid the problems that I have at home and in surroundings. Giving up is just a distraction when you fall and lose. I just post a music video (a classic song from 1980s and one of my favorites) that tells:

                Never gonna give you up

                Never gonna let you down

                Never gonna run around and desert you

                Never gonna make you cry

                Never gonna say goodbye

                Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

I’ll always pray to fulfill my dreams. And that’s what I need to make myself stronger and stay positive. NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!!

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