Episode 81 – Thursday, July 28th, 2016 (7149)
My love life has been in state of mediocrity.
Mediocrity, according to Merriam-Webster dictionary, is the quality of something that is not so good and a person who does not have special ability to do something well. It is also the state of being mediocre.
I don’t know why my life right now has been dull without having love life (or having a nice and lovely girlfriend). Is it because of mediocre? Is it lack of desire to look for another one that will love me forever?
Anyway, like last episode, I don’t know why I still can’t find the right one for my future girlfriend. However, there are some things that I’m still not satisfied based what I am searching for someone (sometimes, I use to search some single ladies thru online dating, but I really hate to take it seriously). I’m not choosy as what one of my officemates told me about why I have hard time to get a right girlfriend. But this is because to avoid some complications that might involve my “silent” life (like a pretty girl that I met at the bar but already a single mom or a nice lady who wanted to break her present boyfriend because of being “paranoid” on her). Am I playing safe for my future? I will tell probably yes because I don’t want to have any complications that might happen in the future.
Oh well. Courtship is one of tough challenges that I have regarding seeking for a girlfriend (or even a future wife). However, in many times in my life, I had faced so many failures in courting my crushes in my past. There was only one that was succeeded in my courtship. And that was courting thru text messages to my long-time textmate who later answered me to become my girlfriend without any hassle. I was so lucky though because I got in a (long distance) relationship after a long, long drought to be single (7 long years). But despite of having experience in serious love relationship before, I have never tried to have a personal courtship to a crush nearby. Right now, I’m still single for a year, and I want to have a nice courtship without any distractions or hassle from someone else. I have two reasons why I have hard time to find a right girl:
- I don’t want to have publicity about courtship
In the past, I had already encountered this many times, either during my college days or having a job. But all of my attempts to court a nice, pretty lady went into failure. It was because of publicity from my friends. And yeah, they could help and support me about courtship, but they could distract me and a girl that I wanted to court. I may take my fault to tell some of my friends that “I have a crush” or “I like a nice girl that I met” or “I spotted a crush earlier” or whatever. Gossiping is a bad distraction when my courtship to a crush can be doubtful. I don’t want to hear from some of my friends telling that “she has already a boyfriend” or “some guys wanted to entice her” which might hurt my feelings. I knew they’re might telling the truth, but mostly they made to distract me and let others to take advantage. And one more thing is that I don’t want to be ashamed regarding the failure from courtship. Ayoko mapahiya kapag binasted o na-friendzone ako. (I don’t want to be embarrassed when I’m failed or friendzoned.) Am I afraid to be friendzoned? Hmmm…
I had experienced this kind of “distractions” many times from somebody especially when I was working for my first job in Alabang where some of my work colleagues were playing me to blush for my crush. I still remember one time when I was working in Mandaluyong that they insisted me to make top 5 lists for the ladies at our workplace who would be my favorites for my love. That’s why I offended them for what they’re done for me. That’s my life and NOT theirs! I’m NOT in showbiz that they made me into fame because of simple love life! For the next time that I have a plan for a nice personal courtship, I’ll keep quiet, and my plan to court a crush will be a secret (without telling my friends or posting in social media publicly). Haaayyyz… (I’m sorry because I’m too sensitive though.)
- I prefer a girl without any mutual/common friends
I would rather like to find someone for my future girlfriend from “outside” than from my well-known friends who are connecting or knowing to her. Is it because to avoid some complicated things that might fail my courtship (or even love relationship)? Take note, I’m not referring to my friends that are connected to a crush, but “what if” there’s a kind of situation like this. I have heard some stories many times about “best friends” that ended up into “enemies” because of love life (such as a guy’s girlfriend was in-love to his best friend). That’s why I don’t want to have “best friend” right now because of possible scenario that I might face.
The only best way to find a girl without connected to my friends is from a stranger (chat on Facebook, asking for cellphone number, online dating, or even receiving from a wrong number). However, there might be a risk regarding to socialize one another because she’s just a stranger (and same as I am by her thoughts). When I had a textmate, I had never met her personally and had never known her attitude and personality (even I hadn’t seen her face). We’re just strangers during that time until our love feelings were emerged to become lovers. Even though there were several potential and beautiful ladies nearby (especially at work) that I just ignored, I just chose her to be my girlfriend instead even though we hadn’t known each other. Wow! That was the biggest risk that I had in my love life, but I got a better result to have a pretty, nice girlfriend (but later on…, we had a bitter ending).
What do you think if I’ll get a second textmate (or stranger) to be my next dream girlfriend? Shall I wait for another stranger that sends a wrong text message that I’ll receive and become textmates and soon become lovers? I hope it’s NOT a guy. Hehehe!
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I really don’t know what I will do next about my love life. Like what I have said earlier, courtship is the first challenge to grab a lady to become a girlfriend. It’s a 50-50 chance that I will succeed or fail. That’s a tough dare for me. I know I’m no longer in teens or within early 20s to look for young ones. It might take too long, but I don’t want to have a long, long drought like what I had done for 7 long years without a girlfriend.
However, I’m thinking right now (because I’m getting old) what if… I’ll decide to be forever single because I feel to be “anti-love” or hate to have a girlfriend or love life (and being “anti-social” (?)). I will never have a girlfriend if I’ll remain an old bachelor for the rest of my life. But, there are two possible consequences that I’ll face if I choose to be single forever:
- I’ll stay with my eldest siblings
Probably my life might be devastated if I’ll stay with them at home. You know that I’m not really comfortable with them (in many occasions) because they have some “crab-mentality” and their “negative” thoughts. They also “underestimate” me in decision-making at home because I’m just only the youngest of them (that’s why I’m not so vocal to them, and I just keep quiet at them every time when they discuss the problem in our home). Another, I’m the one (along with one of my eldest sisters) who have a stable job. My parents are already old and can’t hold or pursue their jobs anymore (my father had suffered mild stroke last year while my mother does only her household things). My other elder brother has already his own family in Bulacan, but my another one elder brother, who had worked in overseas, is now jobless for two years. So, I expect he (and my other eldest siblings, if they’ll retire) will ask me for their assistance while I’m still working or having a stable job until I’ll retire (or worse, become jobless or being terminated).
That will be my saddest and most awful reality in my life! This might be the worst nightmare in my whole life if I’ll never be married (or having own family) and stay with them into “toxicity”! I can secede from them at home and set-up my own “independence” because I’m already old enough, but since my parents are still alive, I’m still stuck with them (as well as their assistance for our daily basic needs). And if I’ll free from them (without going home to live with them), I know my parents (especially my beloved mother) will be worried at me because I’m just the youngest child among my siblings. Gosh!
Right now, if I’ll never marry to someone, I’ll be trouble with them because of their “negativities” and distractions (such as noisiness and very hot atmosphere) at home. So, do you want my life into devastated because of them if I’ll remain single forever? I’ll be going crazy for this kind of situation if this will happen.
- My future generation(s) will never be existed
That will be sad for me if I’ll never have a child or children for the next generation. No girlfriend (or wife), no child! I might not have a one happy family that I’ve wished for. I will never see my own child staying in a positive environment, attending church (such as The Feast) with me, bonding with me, and sharing heart-to-heart with me that I’ve never experienced from my parents and my eldest siblings who have full of “negativity”. I will never have companions in my future life, but instead I’ll be forever alone (if I’ll go away from my eldest siblings) in the remaining days of my life. Depression is one of possible scenarios that might be happened to me. What do you think guys?
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My heart is still remained closed for now after the heartbroken incident happened 13 months ago (almost 400 days ago). Searching for “one true love” has been lamed nowadays because I’m no longer a teenager (or within early 20s), and my “love system” has been declined. I think most girls out there are not surely perfect because some of them are already single mom, having boyfriend, choosy, their parents are strict even though they’re already in 20s, breadwinner, choosing career over love, looking for rich men (or even foreigner), and a lot more. I’m NOT looking for a perfection in my life (because we are imperfect honestly), but I’m looking for the “right one” to be deserved for my heart. But there are so many questions why my future life is still uncertain. Is it because of “mediocrity” in my love life? I still don’t know, but I think so. And I’m still hoping one day a nice lady will come in my life to open my broken heart and to finish my long, long drought in love life.
(Note: I’m NOT thinking negative about looking for the “right one” because I’m just telling the truth from my feelings, right? If you think I’m writing about negative things in my life (even in my past episodes), I’ll respect your opinion, but please understand my feelings.)