I Don’t Understand Why…?

Episode 80 – Sunday, July 17th, 2016 (7138)

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Until now, my God, I’m still single. I have hard time to search for the “One True Love” to open my broken heart, but I’m doing nothing so far. I don’t know why, but I don’t understand why. Is this because of uncertain situations that may occur in my future? Or is this because of looking for the perfection?

In the last previous months, my boss at work suggested me to add one of his friends in Facebook who is still single and pretty. I sent my short message to her pleasing to add me on her Facebook, and she did for several days. Even though she’s somewhat older than me, I tried to have some communication with her, but obviously I didn’t. I don’t know why, but I don’t understand why I don’t pursue my “attraction” to her although I never meet her up to present.

Anyway, I have some stories that I had experienced in the past month. Last June 17th, where I was with my good boss, we went at a bar somewhere in Laguna to have some chill and “happy hour”. When we’re there, I met a bargirl who was so pretty and look-a-like one of the former “love” of former Philippine president Noynoy Aquino. I felt somewhat “in-love” with her because of her beauty and her young age; however, when I was with that bargirl going to the private room, she revealed to me that she was already a single mother. What?!!! She was only 18 when she gave her first born child while she was just high school back then. She has already two kids (one of them were taken by the father) despite of her physical appearance (she’s just quite slim). I really didn’t understand why she’s so young (younger than me, of course) to become a single mom and didn’t pursue her studies to finish it because of her situation. But anyway, because I was drunk during that time, I just tried to hug her and to kiss her (thankfully that I didn’t try to have “something” with her at that night). I didn’t know why I hugged her and kissed her because I just missed what I had before especially when I was in long distance relationship (LDR) a year ago. I had no idea why I did this to a pretty bargirl (despite of her being a single mom) just because of my loneliness where I’ve been still single for a long time. On that night, I tried myself to be happy, and that’s what I did to her. My God, forgive me what I had done on that night, but I want happiness rather than being lonely, alone and loveless.

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Another story was happened two Fridays ago (July 8th) when I and my good boss went to a salon in a condominium unit in Makati where he suggested me to have a nice massage. This was my only second time to have relaxation from work (the first one was happened just last year). When we’re at salon, he insisted me to choose one of the three beautiful ladies (or massage servants) for a full body massage on me. I didn’t choose one of them, but there was only one lady stepped up to massage me for at least one hour. She’s pretty though, and she was looked so young when I observed her massaging me. I didn’t know if I tried to talk with her while she’s doing a massage with me or else I would regret. After I paid for one hour of nice massage, she was shy and charm when I approached her to give a tip for her service. I didn’t know if I could try her to be friends or just leave her something nothing happen. But when my good boss asked me about her, he told me that she’s just only 17, and she’s already a single mom. What?!!! My God, I had almost had a “crush” on her! But I really don’t understand why she’s so young to give her first born child from her “careless” incident! I didn’t regret her, but she must regret it!

Well, also I don’t understand why some Filipino teenage girls are easily careless to have early teenage pregnancy, to become young mothers. I think most of them are from the lower classes and still studying in high school (or even elementary). And still, I don’t understand why their young “partners” do not foresee their future and consequences. It’s because of poverty, I guess. I thought Filipina girls are conservative (mahinhin, or something that their parents are strict and warning them to not have boyfriends while studying), but what is this? Before reaching 20s, they’re already young mothers! Gosh!

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I still remember when my former love told me that some of her high school classmates are already mothers (and giving their first child) while studying. They were forced to halt their studies to take care for their baby. But thankfully, she’s not one of those.

I have a friend from The Feast who was also my former college classmate. She was already a mother while studying in college (I think I met her when we’re in sophomore year). But she has a nice and faithful partner (who also works at The Feast) and has stable job. After all their challenges, they’re still going strong in their relationship, and that’s nice. Sometimes, I was thinking what if I was in the same situation like them. Would I have a hard time to raise my own family? Just read an episode about being fatherhood (see Episode 73).

In all of my former college classmates that I’ve known, almost half of them are already young parents (and at least one child). And they are already in their right age (within 20s) unlike what I met last time who are already teenage mothers. Well, while they enjoy building their own families, how about me? Yeah, I’m in almost 30s, but still I have no girlfriend. And yeah, yeah, I know, I know that I must wait for the coming of the right one to love me forever, but is that just a simple thing? For me, that’s challenge. I’ll be no longer a teenager or within 20s, but my future is still uncertain. While I’m still fighting for “independence”, how come I will be free (from distractions in life) if I have no love life? Look at some of my friends. While they’re happy to have love life (girlfriends, boyfriends, partners with child/children), I’m still alone. I’m not still happy without someone to love me forever.

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Anyway, there are frequent times that I don’t want to have love life. In my mind, having love life is just a “wasted” and problematic thing (especially in time) but not in my [broken] heart. For instance, I have been “anti-love” (or hating to have girlfriend or in a love relationship) for quite sometimes where I hate to see someone who hold their hands in public places or post their sweet photos on the news feed on Facebook (that’s why I “unfollow” some of my friends who have love relationships), to hear love songs, and to watch love stories on TV and movies. I don’t understand why I am doing this against them, but am I jealous to them? Is it because they have love relationships (boyfriends/girlfriends), already married or having their first baby while I am still single and loveless? What do you think? For most of the times, I have almost given up to search some single ladies out there to be my future girlfriend because I think they are not deserved for me. One of my officemates told me that I’m too “choosy” in searching for my “one true love” because I have “high standards” or qualifications to have a nice girlfriend. If I’ll choose “single forever” (unmarried or old bachelor) that I’ll be no longer to have girlfriend anymore, my plan to independence (from distractions at home) will be ruined forever! This will be my tough decision in the future.

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Having a crush at The Feast?

During one of attending Feast sessions in SM Sta. Rosa last June, there was a nice lady who suddenly sat beside me. I knew she was sitting right to one of her friends. I noticed her beauty though and charm when she met people attending the Feast. Later after the worship, she met me and insisted me to join to the Singles. But until, I realized I have seen her already before. I recognized her face before, but I didn’t notice her in the past when I first started to attend Feast (when it was at Central Mall Biñan). There’s a question: am I in-love or something that I’m really confused in my feelings? Hmmm…?

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These are my friends from Feast SM Sta. Rosa during their Singles Retreat earlier this year (sorry, Earl, I don’t ask you to grab one of your photos from Facebook, hehehe!). Unfortunately, I’m not able to join their Singles group for some reasons. (Photo courtesy from Earl Pascua on Facebook)

Most of my friends at The Feast wanted me to join Light Group: Singles where the single guys and ladies are there talking with some words from the Lord. If I’ll join Singles, I’ll have a chance to meet a nice lady (or a “crush”) and to know each other. However, sometimes, I am somewhat an “anti-social” person to be honest that I refer to talk or to accompany only one friend (I refer a girl) or most likely, to be alone with only myself rather than accompanying with a group because I’ll be bored if I’ll join a bunch of boys or girls where their topic is sometimes not related to my life (or in other word: OP – I don’t know what’s meaning of this). Most especially, I hate to hear from them talking about AlDub, their love lives, crushes, or something that I don’t really appreciate. That’s why, almost every time since I became single and loveless, I have been alone and unaccompanied in most public places especially right after The Feast. And that’s my true reason why I’m not willing to join Light Groups. Sorry to my friends at The Feast. I hope you’ll understand that.

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