No Time For Love (?)

Episode 71 – Thursday, June 16th, 2016 (7107)

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In the past almost 12 months, I still remain single, loveless, no girlfriend, and alone. Right after the break-up of long distance relationship (LDR), my mind (and my heart) has been “out of nowhere” that I’m almost numb, and I don’t have my time to talk with my friends anymore (probably becoming “anti-social” (?)). Although I have hard times to look for another one (must be more deserving than the previous one), it’s not so enough for me because, sometimes, I feel I’m tired looking for someone who will love me forever.

However, most of the times in the past almost 12 months of being single, I have only spent my time to do… nothing. Nothing but just enjoy for myself.

I feel I have been loveless. Yeah, there’s NO love in my mind (and my heart). I hate love life… for now. I hate to see lovers having their sweet holding hands in most public places. I hate to see on Facebook posting photos of my friends together with their love relationships (that’s why I unfollow most of them). I hate to watch romantic movies that make me bored (and “OP”). And I hate to hear love songs (especially related or dedicated to AlDub) playing in airwaves almost every time. But only one thing that I love… is only by myself.

I love some things that make me and my life happy (just forget my problems especially at home). And these are the following that are considered as my pastimes:

Watching live sporting events (thru live streaming)

Especially when I’m in idle at work in the office, I always tune in on the computer to watch sporting events thru internet live streaming. Most of the sports that I like to watch are from the United States where they play American Football (National Football League or NFL), baseball (Major League Baseball or MLB), and my all-time favorite and much exciting to watch is basketball courtesy of the National Basketball Association or NBA.

I started to watch these from internet live streaming (not from TV directly) during the 2015 NBA Finals last year (within few days before the break-up). But when the NBA season ended (and coincidentally the end of LDR), I started to be bored and unhappy. In September 2015, I got into my mind that the NFL season was just started, so I had a chance to watch select NFL games (including Super Bowl 50 last February) live, directly from the internet live streaming. In the following month, I was able to watch MLB games including the World Series where the Kansas City Royals won against New York Mets in 5 games. And when the new season of NBA was started, I began to watch select NBA games live, from the eliminations up to the Finals featuring the rematch between Cleveland Cavaliers and the defending champion, Golden State Warriors. I’m not only watching these games live, but I also check the updates (thanks to ESPN’s SportsCenter that I always watch almost every day especially after NBA game) such as standings, analysis, statistics, and the never-ending and funny memes from the social media and elsewhere.

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Watching NBA games live (thru internet live streaming) while browsing on the computer at the office

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Enjoy Being Alone

And yeah, I have been alone most of the times (almost). Like what I’ve mentioned in the previous episodes, I’m always alone in most public places such as mall, arcade, public transportation (mostly jeep), staying at the office (rather than home) during day-off, attending The Feast and eating in a restaurant. Because of being alone every time in the public places like these, I’m almost talking with myself (thanks to my “guardian angels” based on my imagination) because I have no friend accompanied.

Playing in an arcade and eating are my only pastimes when I’m alone in a public mall. Since I love playing basketball, I enjoy myself to play basketball at the arcade making me excited. This also reminds me as an exercise where I get sweat when I’m playing basketball. And after getting tired to play basketball, it’s time to eat a lunch. Since I have NO girlfriend or love relationships, I just spend my own money to buy and to eat foods that are not so expensive but delicious. Although it’s sad for me to have a lunch without a date, I just enjoy myself to eat delicious lunch all alone.

Another thing is shopping or buying in a grocery. I’m not “shopalcoholic” to spend my own money to buy things that I want, but I’m buying for just my personal needs. Buying fruits is one example. Since I’m becoming older, I need myself to stay healthy. Fruits (and vegetables) are the best to me to eat. Every week, I always go to the grocery to buy mixed fruits that are already sliced into one package.

Future Consequences

In my job, I have two officemates who have already own families and there are lots of responsibilities that they’ve done. They provide to support for their own families (especially having children) for their daily needs – monthly expenses (shelter, electricity, and water), maintenance for their vehicles, education for children and food that they eat every day. They are so thankful because they have stable jobs as I am. They have big responsibilities to support their own families. If ever I have already a family of my own (having a wife and a child/children) in the future, I will face the same situation as theirs. I will work hard for my job to have support for my family in every day needs.

Another thing is having a commitment. Yeah, my two officemates have already commitments to their families (especially their faith to their own wives). They must go home early after work to have bonding with their own families. In fact, they have experienced their own “curfews”. Jealousy and argument must be avoided for them. One of them had experienced “extremely” quarreling with his wife during the first years of their marriage because of being womanizer. Sometimes, his wife forced him to sleep outside their house after being kicked out from home. But years later, when they grew older, they are no longer to argue (although they’ve done this barely) as their children grew older. My other officemate told me that he has been watched by his young wife (they recently married last year though they have already a child). She’s keeping to “spy” him every time when he’s doing (even at his work). But nevertheless, he’s very loyal to her living in one simple family.

As they shared their stories about being responsible to have a family, they reminded me that I would face these consequences if I would get married and have a family someday. That’s their advice for me if ever happen in the future. For now, I’m so lucky though because I’m still single (no girlfriend, unmarried and no family of my own), and I have a stable job (even though I’m still providing some support for my parents). It’s kind of confusing because I want to be independent from my parents to have my own life by having a family of my own, but I will face the situations that they have already experienced right now. They told me that I didn’t need to have a girlfriend, but instead I would stay to be a happy single life without having major problems (paying monthly expenses, provide shelter, food, education for my [future] child/children, etc.). ‘Wag ka nang maghanap ng girlfriend dahil baka matutulad ka lang sa’min dalawa! (Don’t need to look for a girlfriend because I’ll be the same as they are!) So, I’m proud to be single… just for now.

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So, while I’m enjoying these things that make me happy, there’s one thing that I really forget momentarily – needing to search for “One True Love”. Yeah, these things make me happy (and forgetting the problems at home), but how about my future? In my opinion, the first two things that I’ve mentioned are just simple happiness that I like to remain single. But the third one is hard to imagine about my future. I’m still searching for the right girl to love me so truly and forever, but I don’t know if I will be ready to face the consequence to have a happy and optimistic family (with facing the everyday problems to remain stable). For now, I’m happy to be single but feeling sad when I’m alone.

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This is the one of the earliest text messages from my long distance textmate (with a quote “No time for love” below) just few days after we accidentally connected thru SMS (recreated for reenactment).

The title for this episode, No Time For Love, is just copied from one of the earliest text messages that I received from someone who changed my life forever. This was from my first ever textmate who became my long distance girlfriend. To be honest, I don’t miss her as she “left” me, but I really miss having a textmate like her because we talked thru text messages even we continued to chat until midnight.

I don’t understand if I will be happy or sad as being a single person, alone, loveless and unaccompanied. Most of the times, I’m happy to do some things like watching live sporting events, laughing from funny memes, eating delicious food, listening favorite songs (mostly religious and worship) and writing my stories just like what I’m doing right now writing for this episode. I’m happy as I ignore and forget searching for my “One True Love”. But in other times, I’m so lonely when I’m alone and unaccompanied like riding in a public transportation, walking in a mall, and eating lunch that feels so boring. I’m lonely as I’m so desperate to look for someone to love me forever. I’m quite confused though, but I stay optimistic whether I look for a girlfriend or not, and God knows it about my future.

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