Episode 68 – Sunday, June 5th, 2016 (7096)
I’ve been always alone, unaccompanied, lonely or solo in most situations especially when I went out every other weekend. There are lots of examples that I’m doing this alone and unaccompanied ever since I became single and loveless such as attending The Feast, eating lunch in a restaurant, walking around the mall, playing basketball at arcade, riding in a public transportation (mostly jeep), surfing the internet at the office, and such more. These are without accompany anyone and any of my friends, close friends, or even in my family. That’s okay for me to do my things alone, but it’s sad that I can’t talk with somebody. Even though I can talk with myself (or maybe “guardian angels”) like crazy, I remain silent, null, or bored most of the times. And the saddest moment is that a not even single text message from a friend is received on my phone.
Let’s face the reality. In almost a year since I became single after the break-up of long distance relationship (LDR), I became silent and lonely almost all the times because of being alone and unaccompanied. Although I have a lot of friends from The Feast and only few friends at work, I have never talked with them too much, not because of being shy, but I don’t confess or share my problems to everyone (except to my few close and trusted friends). There are some questions from my mind where I ask myself that I am an anti-social person (read Episode 65). This is because where I have never joined any hangout with my friends. Or even, I have never socialized with other friends especially in The Feast where most of them are joining their Connect/Care Group discussion. Or even worse, I have never had any bonding time with my parents or my elder siblings because they’re already old enough (as you know, I’m just in near 30s while their ages are between 45 and 75). So, almost in my entire life, I never confess my problems to them because I know they will not understand (having their “crab-mentality” or something that they might tell any negative reactions). Lack of socialization is the main reason why I’m always alone in most places.
Like what I have done last weekend, being alone and unaccompanied are not new for me because I’ve done this so many times in my almost entire life. However, loneliness is always present for me every time when I’m alone. I really miss the way where I accompanied with a female friend or even girlfriend traveling together going to our destination or having a lunch date or watching a movie (I can accompany with a male friend, but I don’t like somebody who is sometimes annoying or so talkative about non-sense issue that I can’t relate). Being anti-social might be existed or not over in my present situation.
Friends with Companion
There are some of my friends who have their companions in their lives most of the times. Having companion is always “absent” in my present situation. I might be jealous for them because they are happy to bond with their companions such as close friends, barkadas, girlfriend/boyfriend, family member (younger siblings especially), officemates, or even old and former classmates. I have a list of my notable friends who have their companions: (Note: I just placed their names into initials for their reputation)
- MO = has good boyfriend (BB)
- PM = has boyfriend (VD)
- AS = has good (?) boyfriend
- RG = has good girlfriend (SMC)
- RJP = has live-in-partner + child
- RP = has good live-in-partner (I forgot his name!)
- EB = has good live-in-partner + 2 children + has pretty younger sister (who also has good bf)
- AZ = has good live-in-partner + child
- BA = has good live-in-partner + child
- MKG = has good boyfriend
- CB = has good boyfriend
- LG = has good live-in-partner (JHT) + 2 children
- MC = has pretty younger sister + good parents + (brag) boyfriend (MV)
- ARE = has good cousins
- My former textmate/girlfriend = has pretty younger sister + good cousins
- My mortal enemy (and former crush/classmate) = has live-in-partner + child + has pretty younger sisters
- ME (as I am, not my initials) = has NOTHING (as in wala, nganga, empty, null, standalone)
I have noticed that most of them are posting their photos with their loved ones (family, relatives, or even girlfriend/boyfriend) on Facebook. Sometimes, they inserted their photos with loved ones as their personal primary photo (just two of them, whether brother or sister, sweetheart or close friend (best friend), and not as a group photo). How sweet they are, right?
But for me, in almost 7 years of using Facebook, I have never had any picture together with a loved one (not a friend but sweetheart, older siblings or even my parents). (Clarification: I’m not talking about posting group pictures (i.e. friends) but just two persons in a photo.) I had a girlfriend (long distance textmate) before, but I had never posted any of our pictures together in my Facebook (as well as a primary photo) because of security reasons. So, most of my friends never see the face of my [long distance] girlfriend who was my first-ever non-deaf sweetheart, in public. Aside of that, I have never posted any picture together with my parents and my older siblings on the said social networking site.
Why Not Family, Friends or Officemates?
To be honest, I never accompany with my family (parents and siblings) or even my friends and officemates in most occasions. Although I rarely join the bonding with my friends (especially in The Feast), most of the times I just do myself so alone in most public places – eating, shopping, playing at arcade, attending The Feast, walking around, etc.
How about my officemates at work? We’re working in a small company (not as big as what I had worked in two previous companies), and we’re just four of us together in one small office (because our main office is based in Macau). Also we are all boys, no girls at work, and two of them already have their own families (wife + children). That’s why I never confess them especially during break times about my problems deeply except for some situations that I need to express. They know I’m so silent and rarely talking about something that they can relate.
Lastly, how about my family at home? Well, as what I’ve mentioned above, my parents and my older siblings are already old (since I’m the youngest while the second youngest is 15 years older than my age), so I know I can’t let them to join with me in most occasions like attending The Feast (that’s why I never invite them), having a lunch date, or having a bonding time. They are too busy enough in their housekeeping activities. If I was born to be eldest or in the middle and I have a younger sibling or siblings, I can convince him/her to join with me to accompany and to have bonding time each other like what I’ve done right now. But in reality, it doesn’t. Wala eh…, ganun talaga ang buhay!
— 0 — 0 — 0 — 0 — 0 — 0 — 0 —
It’s so sad for me to have NO companion in my life outside home. I still remind last March during Kerygma Lenten Recollection when my new friend accidentally met me while waiting for a ride going to our destination to attend the recollection. It was only our third time to meet since we first met last May 2015 at Feast Technopark. She was pretty and simple, and when we took a ride going there, she was the only friend to accompany with me during that morning. Just two of us without accompanied any friend. However, we had been together only for a short time before noon when she told me she’s going home for unknown reason, leaving me so alone to watch the remaining hours of the recollection. That was the only time when I had a companion (since the break-up of LDR).
Oh well. I’m still looking for a nice friend (or even a future girlfriend) who always accompanies with me all the times, either personal or chatting thru text messages. I hope I will find a good companion (as finding “One True Love”) to break the long silence of being alone in my life outside home.
By the way, I just post a music video that I need to have a companion: