Episode 61 – Friday, April 22nd, 2016 (7052)
It has been more than 300 days or almost 10 months, but I’m still… still single! Ahhhh!!! How time is so fast since I became loveless and lonely without having a love relationship last June 2015. Last year, my birthday, Halloween, and Christmas season were passed, but I had been still single. And this year, Valentine’s and Lenten season were already passed, but I’m still single though! And now, it’s already summer where I feel so hot (and even hotter), but it’s still the same what I am right now. Still single and remain loveless. Zero, empty, nganga, nothing, and… what else?
Since I began to write my stories on My Tent Journal that I published almost 10 months ago, I would become loveless instantly a day after I published my first ever episode (coincidentally, it was about my date and adventure with my love). And that’s so, so sad for me because it was supposed to be my best time to launch my own blog thru the internet when the unexpected break-up happened. I didn’t blame myself why I published my own blog (which was the successor of my old All About Tent that I had written in 2009). But I didn’t expect this would happen to me and my love life very badly.
Anyway, as you remember last January, I decided to post my own mobile (or cellphone) number publicly thru Facebook because I thought it might be a chance to look for the prospects (ladies) as my textmate. I desperately needed this because I felt so bored when I had nobody to talk or even to chat. I really missed what I had done in the past 6 years when I had many friends who communicated me thru text messages (that’s why the inbox of my phone was always full during that time). Although there were some textmates who grabbed my number from Facebok to chat thru text messages, unfortunately just after few weeks, I didn’t last to stay contact with them longer because some of them were living in a very far place while other didn’t reply after the first text message. Another one was my (supposed to be) textmate who wanted to interact somebody thru text messages (given my number to her by my friend at work). Unfortunately, like other prospects, my communication with that lady didn’t last because she wasted my time to wait for her reply (after my first reply, she’s no longer to reply afterwards). Even though I’ve never seen or met her personally, she’s just so “non-sense” (sorry for what I said offensively). Well, in other words, my mission to look for the new textmate had been FAIL. And the inbox of my phone has not been always full for days, weeks, and even months (averaging below 1 SMS per day compared to above 25-30 SMS per day when I was in a love relationship).
Recently, I tried to explore online dating sites. Even though I was in doubt for some ladies that I was looking for on the dating site (some of them might use fake photos of their own), I just took a risk to show my picture, my personal details, and my interests. However, just like looking for a textmate, I didn’t enjoy to use and to interact on the dating site because there were many disadvantages. I must pay per month to have an unlimited chat with them (that’s considered as an online business, I think) because once I log-in on the site, I may chat with them in a limited time (waiting for minutes to reply again), and the worst, in other dating sites, I can’t read or reply a message from the person who is interested on me (I’m just using an ordinary set-up or whatever; I don’t know because it’s my first time to explore online dating sites). I think exploring single ladies on dating sites is just wasting a time for me especially I have no internet access at home (I only use internet while I’m in idle at the workplace). For me, it’s better to have a contact with the girl that I want thru text messages rather than online dating sites. And most of the ladies on the dating site, as I observe, are just searching for foreigners to ease from their poverty; you know they need rich, tall and body-building men for money! Hehehe!
At work, all of my officemates are male (yeah, no girls around at the office), and it’s kind of “boring” though. One of my officemates told me that I might reduce my “high standard” in searching for the right girl. I think I’m just serious though to search for a perfect girl. There’s no perfect girl in this world, you know. But I don’t want to take some risks to happen in the future – friendzone, dishonesty, “parasites” (borrowing money for debt), and past bad happenings (e.g. scandals, traumatic experiences, having diseases, etc.). That’s why I’m so careful to search for the right girl in my heart because I want to have a nice and perfect relationship.
At The Feast where I regularly attend, there are so many single ladies around either they’re attendees or servants. But because I’m just quite shy though and even I’m not so much religious like them, I don’t take a risk to have fall-in love with somebody from The Feast. I know there will be some obstacles before I grab to have my new girlfriend (I have so many friends there). And also, I don’t go to join their group such as Light Group particularly in Singles because I don’t feel to socialize especially in a group of friends (as you know my voice, when I talk, is not so loud and clear due of my speech deficiency). I prefer to confess one-on-one with a friend who easily and sincerely understands (not having criticisms or whatsoever). I hope you’ll understand (especially my friends from The Feast) about my concern.
Even to my friends, I had asked some of my friends if they had a common friend who was also looking for a date (or “blind date” rather). In Facebook, I also asked one of my former officemate to look for her friend who was also single and looking for her “Mr. Right”. Unfortunately, none of them responded me back (probably they’re too busy or whatever).
One more thing, before when I opened my Facebook account, I got so “irritated” when I saw some posts of my friends showing their love to their girlfriends/boyfriends. Because I’ve been loveless for months, I decided to “unfollow” some of my friends who have their love relationships from posting their photos on the news feed. But they’re still my friends though since I don’t “unfriend” them but just “unfollow” their posts on the news feed.
Lastly, how about my family? I don’t need to ask one of my elder siblings to look for the “Right One”. I know they’ll never help me in this kind of situation because they’re already old to think about my personal love life (I’m the youngest though while they’re already in above 40s). I never have any expectations (or trust) from my loved ones at home to solve my problem. If ever I was born to be the eldest or middle child (see Episode 59), I could ask my “younger” siblings to help. But I’m living in a sad reality when I’m the youngest of the family. It’s so sad to me to have no longer allies at home. Wala nang talaga ako kakampi sa bahay!
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Oh well, it’s hard to solve the problem regarding to the searching for the “Right One” despite of my age that will be no longer within 20s. I need to be free from the distractions and “parasites” in my life especially at home, but how can I set my own freedom if I have no love life to make a new family? Doesn’t it make sense? My time is so wasted to wait but nothing happen afterwards. I need miracles to be happened in my life into a joyful and peaceful atmosphere.
I want FREEDOM from these distractions, but first I must find a lady who will love me forever and make our future family simple, good and optimistic. And I’ll do this by myself without any help from others, but God will guide me to find the “Right One”. I’ll keep searching, and I’ll keep praying for that.