Regret

Episode 37 – Wednesday, December 23rd, 2015 (6931)

Regret-Free

The year 2015 is now going to be end, and there are many things that I’ve passed in the past 12 months. But there’s one thing that I really regret for. And that’s about some people that I had been part of their lives. They are my former friends (and, of course, my special someone that I had loved). It’s so sad to me to regret most unforgettable moments that happened between us in the past. Most especially, within this year, it has been almost 6 months since the breaking-up of my long distance relationship with my loved one, and I really regret some of the romantic moments.

Including her in my list, I just want to share the top 5 of my past friendships with my “former” friends who had been part of my life before, and it has been regretted. (Note: I don’t reveal their real names for security reasons; I just called them in their initials or “monikers”. And another, having a “love relationship” with #4 and #3 on the list has been nullified in my history.)

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  1. “SR”

Last Personal Meeting: July 30, 2004 (11 years ago)

Last Contact/Communication: same as above

Had been friends on Facebook: Never (she tried me to accept her friend request, but I just rejected her)

When I was in sophomore (second year) high school at the deaf school in Pasay, I had a new schoolmate who was just chubby but talented in drawing (and splitting her legs). “SR” was too shy to meet her new classmates and friends in school during her first year at her new school. Unfortunately, I had not met her until November 2002 at the school library.

I had no idea why I had a crush on her during that time because of being pretty (although chubby) and talented. The day after we met, I started to have a mutual friendship on her although there were some times that we had misunderstandings. When the school ended on April 2003, I had promised her to be my love on the next school year. But this would be disastrous.

By the following school year, June 2003, I was so shocked when “SR” had changed her personality. She was now with teeth braces, uncertain attitude, and having her (guess what) girlfriend! I seemed her being a lesbian! But despite of changing her personality, I continued to have a mutual friendship on her. But it was so wasted.

After one of my beloved teachers told me that “SR” had no longer feelings on me, I was exhausted. And my feelings on her went vanished and heartbroken. I tried to have a revenge on her, but I didn’t instead. Even though weeks after, she tried to have apologize on me after she caught my closeness to one of my classmates (who eventually was my former deaf sweetheart) which made her angry, but I had been tired to have my patience on her because of her misunderstanding attitude.

I just ignored her in most of the times in school although, on our school’s Christmas party and coincidentally her birthday, she just gave me a slice of her birthday cake. On my last school day at the deaf school before I left for United States as an exchange student, I had met her for the final time and have never met her ever since.

Fast forward. Around 2010 or 2011, she had contacted me after she sent me her friend request on Facebook, but because of what she did to me in the past, I just rejected her and blocked her. She’s no longer my friend and has been excommunicated in any forms of communication.

  1. “Empress”

Last Personal Meeting: June 2, 2009

Last Contact/Communication: around September 2009 (6¼ years ago)

Had been friends on Facebook: Never (blocked)

“Empress” was so young when I first saw her when I was in freshmen (first year) high school in 2001 while she was only in third grade, but I had not met her until when I was in junior (third year) high school. She was so thin but had nice charm. I didn’t know why I just met her first time on the same place where I first met “SR” a year ago. In the days to come, I had always seen her every time when she walked with her classmates thru the hallway. I started to court her eventually after I broke up to “You-Know-Who” as my (bogus) deaf sweetheart and after a week I had dated on her. But our dating was so short because I had already only few months left before I went to the U.S.

Two years later, my “little” feelings on her went back when I met her for the time after I came back home from the U.S. However, because my life was now no longer in the “Deaf World”, I had never communicated her since then. But three years later, she came back again in my life.

Around late May 2009, she contacted me thru Yahoo! Messenger, and I was surprised. She asked me if I had still some feelings on her. Because of being loveless (and having some bad experience on courtship to non-deaf girls), I just answered her that I was still “in-love” on her. And our short-lived “dating” was back when I personally met her for only second time. I had a “nice” date with her at Mall of Asia in Pasay City, and I was so happy for that because I had a “girlfriend” like her despite of our different “world”. However, it was my biggest mistake that I ever had in my love life.

Just few days after our “date”, I just decided to have just a friendship instead of dating with “Empress”, and she accepted my decision. There were many things that I disagreed her personality – being deaf (of course, I’ve no longer belonged to the deaf community like her), too old-fashioned, too conservative, and being Jehovah Witnesses as her religion. But one month later, she sent her text messages telling to warn me that I must not search other girls. I was furious on her text messages where her English grammar was so confusing (like other Filipino deaf people who use Sign Exact English as their language). Because of that, I just changed my cellphone number after the incident, and since then I’ve no longer communicated with her.

Fast forward. I think last around 2013 or 2014 when I searched her name on Facebook, and I found her having already her child. I thought she was too conservative for this, but why did she have her baby to her (I’m not sure) partner? Well, past is past. After searching her name, I just blocked her to avoid having any contact on Facebook (as she has been excommunicated).

  1. “You-Know-Who”

Last Personal Meeting: July 30, 2004 (11 years ago)

Last Contact/Communication: same as above

Had been friends on Facebook: Never (she tried me to accept her friend request on February 2010, but I just “accidentally” rejected her)

While I was studying in a deaf school in Pasay City, “You-Know-Who” was one of the deaf students with academic excellence (being honor student), active in school activities and popularity. She’s chubby, half-Japanese and clever as I am. But I didn’t understand why I fell in love with her when I was in freshmen (first year) high school while she was in sixth grade. Our “dating” was terrible, and we needed three times to reconcile ourselves due of misunderstandings and controversies that I had before such as (to be honest) “playboy”. But in 2004, it was the time when I got trouble making my school life worsened than ever.

Around late 2003, “You-Know-Who” confessed me that she had a “scandal” to her ex, and I was so upset. By the following year, I had been tired to please her because of her busy school activities (that’s why the deaf school where I had studied made her popular which portrayed as “favoritism”). And because of that, I just decided to stop having a “date” with her after only few years (or months rather). She thought I just “used” her to play as my deaf sweetheart, but I didn’t care. She was too snobbish on me every time when I passed her way. On our school’s recognition day (which was my final time to attend before my journey to the United States), we let ourselves to reconcile after receiving our awards. But our “heat war” was just a beginning.

By the following school opening in June 2004, we started our worst episodes ever happened in school where I felt so angry after accusing her having “favoritism” from most of the teachers and “pirating” some of my friends. She stroke me back when she accused me gossiping her “scandal” to some of her friends thru text messages during summer vacation. This led her anger, and she slapped my face before our computer lesson started. Days after, with the judgment of some of our teachers, I was accused by them and “You-Know-Who” and asked to have my apology. I felt I was cheated by “You-Know-Who” after she won that infamous “war” because of the support of her teachers as a part of “favoritism” in school. After the worst incident, we became “friends” in my last remaining school days attended before I went to the U.S. for the exchange program.

However, while I was in the U.S., I remained my anger to her. In fact, I was still accusing the deaf school to being “favoritism” on her thru e-mails to some of my close deaf classmates and friends. During that time, I was still traumatized the worst incident happened ever in my school life where I was “betrayed” by some of the teachers who were my allies (of course, they were stolen by “You-Know-Who”). At the time when I was ready to come back home, I was thinking about the reconciliation between me and “You-Know-Who” because, aside of getting back to the same old deaf school where I had studied, she would be my new classmate in senior (fourth year) high school. I was afraid that most of her close classmates didn’t like me because of what I had done on her a year ago (as a major damage), and I might be going to be defeated by “You-Know-Who” because she had been awarded first honor in her class (of course, by the help of her teachers as a part of school’s “favoritism”; I really hate favoritisms in school though). But thanked God, when I came back home in July 2005, I was already transferred to other school avoiding the possible reconciliation with her.

Thankfully, I had continued my high school studies at the new and non-deaf school just walking distance from my house (and having my new school life with non-deaf classmates and friends although some of them were so freak, bullying me a lot). I didn’t know what “You-Know-Who” thought that we supposed to be classmates, but it didn’t happen. During that time, she was about to beg me for forgiveness thru my e-mail and Friendster (an old social media website), but I remained to refuse her apologies. She did a major damage to me where my reputation (in old deaf school) was already “destroyed” by her. I had never forgiven her for what she did. In February 2010, she tried again to contact me on Facebook after she sent her friend request to me as a sign of reconciliation. Unfortunately, I accidentally rejected her friend request. I didn’t regret for this, but it was worthless. Since then, she has no longer to contact or communicate with me in any form (as she has been excommunicated), but I really regretted the past that we had as friends.

  1. “Cutie Chinese” (or “The Who 1”)

Last Personal Meeting: November 13, 2009 (the day of the “worst nightmare”)

Last Contact/Communication: October 25, 2013 (2 years ago)

Had been friends on Facebook: Never (blocked)

Unlike the first three that I have mentioned earlier, “Cutie Chinese” is not a deaf lady (in fact, she has Chinese blood. She was my college classmate when I first met her in June 2006. She was pretty, charm, friendly, and sometimes crazy (but not quite), but she had skills in drawing as I was (right now, I have no longer to sketch a drawing). In fact, we’re living in the same village in Santa Rosa, Laguna. However, I didn’t like her personality like wearing sexy dress exposing her whitened body, being noisy, and flirt to other boys. But during our freshmen days in college, I had feelings on her despite of her personality.

I had courted her in early 2007, but there were times that we had misunderstandings until I caught her having a date with someone which made me so hurt. On our summer break, she confessed me that we’re not perfect each other and I accepted it as I had already moved on from the failed courtship. Instead, we became “close” friends (take note, we’re not so closed, but we started to be getting closer as friends). However, in few years later, our friendship would be broken by the biggest mistake that I did.

In late 2008, I had no idea why I went to her house every late night to see (but not to peep as what her family thought) her. But I had no intention to harm her and her family in danger, but of course, I did my biggest mistake in my whole life to do something every late night near at her house! By the following year, I supposed to explain her about this controversial act that I had done, but it was too late. On the last day of February 2009, her mother rushed to my house with anger, and she accused me stalking “Cutie Chinese”. On that time, my aging parents were starting to scold me, and I was stunned. This confrontation was happened not once… but twice! Eight months later, the mother of “Cutie Chinese” came back again to my house scolding my parents after accusing me stalking on the younger pretty sister of “Cutie Chinese”. Even though I was not there at home when the incident happened, I was again scolded my aging parents when I arrived from school. My life was almost vanished (thinking if I would have to suicide myself). I didn’t eat dinner, and I was staying inside my bedroom whole night. The year 2009 was the worst ever happened in my life (and in Post-Deaf World Era).

After the worst incident, I tried to stay away from “Cutie Chinese” and her younger pretty sister who were both studying at college. That’s why I had been “red alert” at all times, not only at school, but at the village where they’re living as I am. Even after my college graduation, she’s no longer my friend (and became enemy because of the worst incident). I have never communicated with her in any form, but there were rare times that she spotted me around the village.

In 2012, I was surprised when she greeted me and talked shortly while I was heading home from my work. However, I felt uncomfortable for this due of having my past trauma (because of her “strict” mother). But there was one unexpected incident happened on October 2013 when I was biking going to the internet café. I didn’t know that she, together with her other younger sister and her first baby, caught me and greeted me with simple “Hi”. Because my eyes were blurred to see them walking thru my path, I didn’t notice them. After her greeting, I just ignored them while I was heading to the internet café thru biking. Because of that unexpected incident, I was panic, telling one of my close friends thru text message about the incident, and I was so confused. But I seemed “Cutie Chinese” that she already moved on from the past bad incident happened in 2009. And I was wondering that she wanted me to be friends again. I know she has the “other side” that she’s a good, friendly lady. However, she’s already in my past life. Past is past! But because we’re still living in the same village, I barely see her around (I don’t know if she’s now living with her partner elsewhere, but I really don’t care for this because I’ve no longer to communicate with her). Some of my friends encouraged me to have reconciliation with “Cutie Chinese” because it has been 6 long years after the worst incident, but I have still a trauma.

  1. My former textmate/girlfriend

Last Personal Meeting: June 14, 2015

Last Contact/Communication: June 25, 2015 (the night of our break-up – 6 months ago)

Had been friends on Facebook: Yes but no longer in connection (I just “unfriended” her for now)

One of the most regretful moments in my life right now is my long distance friendship and relationship with my textmate. Recently last June 25th, we broke up our long distance relationship (LDR) after three years and only 15 personal meetings. Yes, only 15 meetings happened because of long distance! But before our regretful break-up, we introduced ourselves as textmates.

On February 1, 2011, an unknown stranger came up in my life when she accidentally sent her text message to me. Since then, I started to have a nice friendship to her even though we had not met each other because she’s living in a far away, somewhere in the Northern Luzon. During the time when we’re textmates, I spent cellphone loads the way to have communication with her. When I felt alone and lonely, she was the only person to have interaction with me so much even though we only contacted thru text messages. Because of our frequent interaction, I started to have love feelings on her. On late March 2012, I courted her thru text message, and she was so surprised for my act despite of not seeing each other personally. She accepted my courtship, and less than three months later, she answered me to become my first ever girlfriend in Post-Deaf World Era. Few days later, we finally met personally in a place in Nueva Ecija (where she studied college) for the very first time. Since then, our relationship evolved with most romantic moments despite of long distance and lasted up to three long years. But three years of LDR went to be regretted.

Like what I had written in some episodes of My Tent Journal after the break-up, I felt so stunned, alone, loveless, lonely and sad. I was so regretful on the things that we had before in the past 15 meetings in three years. We have no longer to communicate each other since our break-up. And I haven’t received any single text message from her in the past 6 months. I already “unfriended” her from Facebook and blocked her to make myself to move on from the regretful break-up. But I felt so regretful that our past sweetest memories will be forgotten forever. It’s so sayang!

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In almost half of my entire life, I really regret the past memories that I had with these 5 special friends mentioned above. All of them are no longer my friends at the present, but our cherish memories that we had before will be forever treasured that I have already forgotten.

As the Christmas is near, most people who have their personal conflicts need to reconcile for peace. But it’s hard for me to have reconciliation with my enemies and my old friends who have some personal conflicts. As I am not ready to go back in the “past” for reconciliation and making friends again, I just remain silent for this and leave them for what they do right now.

I just play a new wave song from 1990s titled “Regret”.

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