Episode 30 – Friday, November 20th, 2015 (6898)
I want freedom from the distractions in my life! In the past 10 years (since I came back home from the United States), I have fought for my self-freedom from the distractions and negativities inside the house. But until now, I’m still living with my family – my aged parents and my elder siblings with some “crab mentality” in their mind, so that I need to have an enough time for myself privately to stay away from their noisiness and “toxic” in the house.
At my age in near 30s and more matured, I want myself to set up my own life thru self-independence from my family that I’ve lived almost my entire life since birth (with the exception from 2004-2005 where I lived with my host family while I was an exchange student in the United States). I want to express my displeasures deeply about my family, and these are the reasons why I need to get out from the distractions in the house right now:
- The “Bullying” of My Jobless Elder Brother
When I was a child, my elder brother was actually my first “best friend”, and we were closed because of our almost same “attitudes”. Not quite too rebellious though, he was sometimes not in the house when he joined with his tropa (or barkada) since he was teenager. But when I grew up, I just realized that my elder brother made me “spoiled” and bullied me so much. He wanted me to massage his entire body, either from his heavy house works or nothing, that I seemed myself as his “servant” or “maid”. He sometimes made anger to me when I did something that he would be mad like breaking one of his personal items or making me so mad at him after he bullied me most especially my own creations (such as writing my personal diary, etc.). And now I’m already in near 30s, he continues to “bully” me because, simply, I’m the youngest (or bunso) of our 5 siblings (in fact, his age is 15 years older than mine). Most of the time while I’m in the house, he’s always calling my nickname again and again and again just like a goat: meeer, meeer. This is so irritating for me especially when I suppose to have my rest day (that’s why I’ve been always going out from Monday to Sunday for my work, my attending and serving at the Feast, and my personal activity for my “peaceful” life). I can’t tell him to stop his “bullying” to me because his “crab mentality” and being choleric that he easily gets anger at me. Thinking that I’m too afraid to confront him because he’s my elder brother while I’m the youngest, there’s no “justice” for me because of his attitude (getting mad when I’m mad, choleric, and not too much religious that’s why I can’t invite him at the Feast to change his “rebellious” personality).
Aside of bullying, another reason why I don’t really like his “attitude” is being jobless. In 2004, he started to work as Overseas Filipino Worker (fast-food crew, I think) in Saudi Arabia and remained there for 6 years. Of course, I was so happy because there was no more “bullying” and “spoiling” me from him, and I became solo in my “own” bedroom (obviously it is connected to his smaller bedroom). From 2005-2010 (with the exception of his two-month short home vacation in 2006 and 2008), I had a plenty of time to do my things privately and peacefully; however, in April 2010, my happiness was ended when he came back home from Saudi Arabia because his working contact was already expired, and my elder brother remained jobless for two years. This made my life at the house so miserable most especially when I needed to take my full rest from my work because of him during his stay from 2010-2012. But when he went back to work at Saudi Arabia in April 2012, my happiness at my bedroom was restored to make myself into private and peaceful life. However, it was lasted for only two years when my elder brother came back home and never go back to work (because of something that “suspicious” from his previous job). Until now, he remains jobless and stays at home all the time (and rarely going out from home), so that my private and peaceful life at my bedroom (as well as my own TENT office) has been no longer to exist because of him.
And one more thing, my “own” bedroom and his bedroom are connected each other (see figure 1). It is very evident that there’s only one door for us to enter from living room and vice versa. It is also noticed that my bedroom is the “middle” every time when my elder brother passes from the living or dining room going to his own bedroom. See, there’s no “private” or personal room for my own that’s why I have never taken my personal and private time when I’m in my bedroom because of him. I can’t even make myself to “separate” my bedroom from his because I know he will refuse for it, and he’s the one who make most of the household duties. So, the only best solution, for me, is to get out from the house and to set up my OWN (probably not brand-new house and lot but only rental room or something that God may give me some “miracles” for the abundance) life in the future as soon as possible while I’m getting older and older.
- My Father
Right now, my aging father has been recovering from mild stroke last January which made him hospitalized for several days (leaving the house so silent, so that I made myself solo and having some sort of peaceful life because of no more noisiness in the house). But while he’s healing, there are some times that I don’t appreciate such as commanding his order that he can’t make because he barely walks and throwing his urine from a bowl. (Note: I’m not too much complaining, but there’s some sort of hesitation that I have never made any closeness to my father almost in my entire life because of his negativity.) Since my jobless elder brother has stood as a “nurse” for him, he (and my mother) frequently handles him like taking his bath and medicines (or maintenance) that he needs to take. But, as of now, although he remains choleric, and some of his words have been some negativity, he’s not the same as he was before suffering mild stroke.
When I was in childhood until high school years, he was sometimes drunk especially after he became jobless in 2001. He always stays at his sofa all the times watching TV and listening his old radio. When I came back home from the U.S. in July 2005, he stopped to be drunk, but he became so negative though. He was always commenting his negativity especially when watching news on TV about politics (of course, Philippine politics are so dirty) and taking criticisms on a particular TV show like game shows where he complained how to win a jackpot for a very difficult question. His voice became more louder (from his family blood), and he sometimes argued with my mother and some of my elder siblings about something related in our everyday lives (and even affected me). Sometimes I almost fought him in terms of correction or defensive on one issue especially while watching TV where he criticized, and this was the reason why I had never taken to eat meals with him (and/or my mother and one of my elder siblings) at one table either during breakfast, lunch or dinner, and I just took my meal to eat alone after they ate. These things were continued to make me sacrifice (and impatience) until early this year when my father was diagnosed with mild stroke.
In the present, I have remained patience and sacrifice that I’ve made for the last 10 years, and I want to stop and to make myself to free.
- My Other Elder Siblings and Other Issues
Aside of my jobless elder brother, one of my four siblings is also living with my parents in her “own” house actually where I live. My eldest sister has been working in an electronics company and has her twin sister who is now married for more than 20 years living in a separated house (but in the same housing lot). However, she became “choleric” also because of her unmarried life. I’ve never been closed with her because of her some “strict” acts. I don’t really understand why she became to be meant, but is this because she’s unmarried? That’s her life, and I really don’t care about her personal life, but being unmarried must be avoided for my future life (you know, I’ve been loveless since June 25th).
Another thing is being too noisy in the house. My eldest twin sisters are the noisiest of all besides of my father. They sometimes quarrel and argue when some things that they don’t understand each other making our house so noisy and not so peaceful. Both of them are religious, attending their mass every weekend, but how come they still argue for one simple thing! Ahhh… never mind for that thing, I also really don’t care on what they argue. That’s their personal interests though! How about my other eldest brother? Oh well, he currently works at Middle East for years because he supports his own family in Bulacan.
And one phenomenal thing that most of my family members are now watching during noontime is… Kalyeserye (story series from the streets) featuring the accidental loveteam of AlDub. My mother loves to watch AlDub and becomes so addict on that thing when she is always buying tabloid newspaper that features news and articles about AlDub every day and singing theme songs for AlDub particularly “God Gave Me You” by Bryan White which makes her into LSS (last song syndrome). Gosh! That’s so baduy, for me, because I’ve been already loveless although I had watched this story at the first place before realized that it was “non-sense” for me though. And because of this addiction, every Saturday, even in my resting day from work, I refer to go outside to gather around the mall, playing arcade, or surfing thru internet rather than watching… never mind!
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Well, there’s no peaceful environment for me and my private life that’s why I need to get out from these distractions in the house. But how?
This has been planned as early as 2005 just before I came back home from my wonderful experience in the United States. My plan was to stay away from my family right after college and if possible, I could go back to the U.S. to stay into an independent life. But this seemed impossible for me because, first of all, I had no provided budget for this “ambitious” plan, and second there’s a slim chance for me to live in the U.S. (to become U.S. citizen, as well) because of strict immigration. Of course, I’m so proud to be a Filipino although I’m really dissatisfied about the current events and situations affecting me and other Filipino people such as inconvenience (traffic, slow internet connection, poor transport access), corruption in the government, dirty politics, crime, poverty, and more. But my very first problem that I need to get out is from my family’s distraction.
Although some of my friends from the Feast convinced and advised me that I need to change the attitude and the environment of my family, it’s not enough for me because, at first, they are too old already (since I’m the youngest, of course), and their minds are too matured but some sort of “crab mentality” or I mean choleric. I can’t be able to change my family’s atmosphere like positive thinking and being optimistic. And even some of them have regularly attended the mass every weekend and Christmas, they are still remained their personality and attitude on one another. That’s why I have tried to invite one of them (especially my mother) at the Feast, but none of them will go because of their “own” work and household duties. I’m not pessimist that their attitude can’t be changed, but that’s the truth.
Forget my first plan started 10 years ago, I’m now preparing for my new ultimate plan – the Road to Independence, to set up myself free from the distractions and negativity (as my age is now getting older and older) in just 5 tough steps:
First is to find the right one (girl). This is the only best solution for my plan for my future. However, my former textmate turned girlfriend from the North was supposed to be my future partner in my future life when we decided to end our three-year long distance relationship last June 25th due of complicated circumstances. This regretted me so much (very sayang), and since I became single and loveless for almost 5 months, I’m really desperate to look and to find for another one (better than the previous) in my heart. But I’m already in near 30s, and it’s very difficult time for me to woo for someone. For the qualifications (this is just optional), read Episode 20. I don’t need to panic (although there are some instances that I need to rush before it’s too late), but I don’t take even longer (probably longer than my 7-year love drought from 2005-2012). I simply want to find the right one in the right place, in the right time. Or else…, I’ll be forever single, and my future life will be miserable with my family and my elder siblings (bullying from my jobless elder brother, noisiness, negativity, etc.).
Second is getting married as soon as possible (ASAP). But I don’t mean to hurry though that I’m in dating only few months after courtship. It takes time for preparation and discussion with my future girlfriend and my future family. Most couples are already married as young as their ages of about 25-30, but again I’m already in near 30s and still loveless for months! Gosh! I will become miserable if I will not marry to someone! Ahhhhhhh!!!
If I’ll have already married to someone, I will be able to live with my future wife’s parents temporarily. But there’s one serious thing that I need before finding the right girl. The right girl for my future must have her good parents with their happy thoughts. They must be without any pessimistic things such as arguing, misunderstandings, and, the worst, physical and verbal abuse that may lead them into separation causing unhappy family.
If I’ll be able to save more money to build or to purchase a nice house, I’ll bring my own future family to live in a simple and nice house. Just simple, I don’t like to be big as mansion and with a nice neighborhood around. This future home will be for my future family (me, my future wife and my future children) ONLY.
And lastly when I’ll live in a nice home with my own future family, there will be no more distractions from the past. Of course, I’ll not be “bullied” by my elder brother, noisiness from my eldest twin sisters, and negativity from my father. I’ll be happy with my future wife, and I’ll teach my future children in a good manner especially I’ll let them to attend the Feast together as one happy and optimistic family.
Just five tough steps for the Road to Independence:
- Find the right girl
- Getting married ASAP
- Living with my future wife’s parents temporarily
- Living in a simple and nice house
- No more distractions from my family and from my past
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Some people at the same age as I am have their own independent lives from their parents and living with their own families, but for me, like most Filipinos, I’m still living with my parents and my elder siblings at my matured age, and my life is not yet fulfilled into independence. I need to be hurried enough to set myself free but not without any help thru my prayers. My future life might be uncertain, but I will be working hard to be successful, and my plan into independence will be accomplished in the right time.