Downfall

Episode 14 – Monday, August 17th, 2015 (6803)

It has been 7 weeks and still counting. I can’t imagine that my happiest moments in my love life with my long distant girlfriend have been already gone, and it’s so sad that I’m still disheartened in the past 7 weeks despite of having positive vibes (at my work only not at home). Just imagine two months ago, we had still celebrated our third anniversary of love, and we’re still together when we travelled our anniversary date at Bataan. It was just our 15th meeting despite of having long distance relationship (LDR). But now… we’ve been over. Our three years of LDR was not a joke. Unlike other long distance relationships didn’t last longer (but only some people have experienced this), we had been still able to maintain our relationship thru communication (using text messages and Facebook), and we sacrificed for this despite of our busying schedule where I’m working at the office and the Feast while she’s still taking her studies in college.

Many of my “guardian angels” are still crying for this and still hoping that someday I’ll find a new one, better than her (as she requested me during our very last text conversation that I shouldn’t need to wait her and look for a right girl better). But since our LDR has been over, there are 8 things that these will be never happened over and over again:

  1. No more pasalubong

Every time when I went to Nueva Ecija to meet my girlfriend for our date before, giving pasalubongs to her were always present. Since our first ever date in September 2012, I had bought pasalubongs (particularly cake or two boxes of pizza) and gave them to her for her companions in her dorm (or boarding house) before we went home separately. Most of her dorm mates (and her landlady, too) were happy to have pasalubongs when she arrived from our date. Pasalubongs were also given, not only for my girlfriend, but to my family every time when I got home from Nueva Ecija (or somewhere near that province) such as chicharon, polvoron, and some native delicacies from the said province.

However, because of unexpected break-up, these pasalubongs that I had given will be never the same again.

  1. No more asking for load

My [former] girlfriend had been asking me to give her a load for text messaging even since we’re just textmates back in 2011. This was because to maintain our good communication thru our text messages. This also helped her to interact with her other college classmates for her school projects and importantly in her research (thru web browsing on her phone) for her thesis.

But this will be never happened again.

  1. No more helping her assignments

Even before we’re became lovers in June 2012, my then-textmate (later girlfriend) had asked me to help her assignments while she was in high school. When she studied in college, she remained me to be her “guide” to make her assignments especially in her very important thesis. I was able to search, from the internet, the things that she needed to research for her thesis. Giving my extra load to her also helped her to research her assignments thru web browsing in her phone.

These things will be never the same again in the future.

  1. Will “Jelo” be existed?

My girlfriend requested me during our first ever Christmas date in 2012 to buy a big light-blue teddy bear for her as a Christmas gift. We named her teddy bear “Jelo” from combining our first names. It was the biggest teddy bear that I bought for my love one. I had previously given to her another teddy bear (which was colored brown) when we set up for our first ever meeting after a year of being textmates in June 2012. The brown teddy bear was already given to her youngest brother (who’s still a kid) while “Jelo” was in her side taking and hugging as she reminded me when I was too far away from her.

But since we’ve been gone, the question is… will she keep “Jelo” (and also the first teddy one) on her side? I don’t think that these have been already (and forcibly) thrown away or given to others (mostly her relatives who are still young) or just donated to less fortunate children out there. This reminds me on what I gave teddy bears to my former crushes mostly during my college times. Are they still kept by them or just thrown out away? For me to them, they must donate their teddy bears that I gave to the poor children, and they must NOT keep them because they have already forgotten our past. I don’t think that their future child/children will ask their respective mothers where these teddy bears came from, and the mothers (who were my former crushes) might tell them that these were from their former suitors… like me.

  1. Will our romantic pictures be still kept for memories?

I and my former girlfriend had so many pictures when we’re together in every date since our first ever meeting. But again since our break-up, will she keep our romantic pictures for (only) past memories? I have many of our pictures (and her own pictures as well from her phone) are kept in my computer, and I don’t want to delete many of these because they are already in my history (probably these will be put in my old archives after 5 years). However, I really don’t know about our pictures that she kept, either in photo print or in her own phone. She probably deleted, threw or kept these in an order to forget (?) our past memories. I have no idea what will be happened on our pictures that she’s keeping.

  1. Some of my properties are still on her side

Aside of our romantic pictures, I’m still wondering what if she still keeps some of my things that I had given (or borrowed) to her during our LDR. These things are: my black USB where she used for her thesis (I know she’s still using it), a book from Bro. Bo Sanchez titled “How to Deal with Difficult People” (I bought it last 2014 Grand Easter Feast), mobile phone as a gift for her (although it is currently used by her younger pretty sister), and a digital camera (although I sold it to her). She has also a debt from my money that she borrowed for her On-the-Job training last summer. I can’t imagine that these are already vanished away because these are very important (especially Bro. Bo’s book). This also reminds me about my programming books in college where my former crush and classmate (now mortal enemy), who had lived in the same village as I am, had borrowed these for her studies. I have no idea if she still keeps these that considered my “lost” properties.

I’m still thinking that these things from my former girlfriend will be returned back to me or will be on her possession as her “memories” from her former love.

  1. Our text communication is shut down

As what I have mentioned in Episode 11 (Text Communication), she was my only person to have text communication with me most from any of my friends. We interacted thru text messages in an average of 17.54 SMS per day since our very first day when we accidentally contacted thru text. But since we’re gone, our text communication has been dead, and there’s no more to ask (or to share) a load to anyone. Last month, my interaction to some of my friends thru text messages had been sharply dropped by 96% from the total of accumulated text messages that we had last June, the month where our LDR was still existed. This was because of changing my (Smart) mobile number that I don’t want to receive any “annoying” (as in makulit) text messages from some people that I don’t like and right after the break-up of my long distance relationship with my girlfriend causing our communication shut down.

  1. No more travel too far and too long

Every time I travelled to the North to just have a date with my long distant girlfriend, it was my sacrifice to travel long hours and in future distance despite of having tired from the work (but not always). I will miss this adventure, and yes without my long travel, there will no pasalubongs from there. And also because I’ll never travel further anymore, my mother shall NOT be worried about. Every time I left home to travel to Nueva Ecija, she had been always worried me (despite I’m already old, near 30s and no longer as a child or teenager and because of her old age). She also reminded me about travelling in a nighttime that caused her worries to me and also about my arriving home directly from Cabanatuan City, Nueva Ecija so late or already past midnight (mostly happened when I had one-day date with my girlfriend). I understand her because she’s my mother who needs to be worried for her youngest son, but I’m already mature enough to do my decisions and my things. (This reminds me what happened in 2004 and 2009 where she didn’t defend me (like a TRUE son) on my troubles?)

My mother must be happy (or unhappy) for it because my long distance relationship with my girlfriend is already over. I’m NOT telling that my mother is against our relationship but probably this kind of set-up.

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One of my “guarding angels” asked me that what if I and my girlfriend shouldn’t break our three-year relationship. We supposed to continue our “love story” and to celebrate our 38th month. But this will be never happened again. However, I’m still thinking what if our LDR wasn’t disbanded last June 25th. There are 5 reasons why our break-up won’t be happened:

  1. Moving of school opening to August shouldn’t be happened

I don’t understand why there is important to move the opening of school classes from June to August in most state colleges and universities nationwide. Because are they afraid to suspend classes frequently due of rainy season that usually starts in June? Or will they experience very hot summer in April and May? But since the school where my former long distant girlfriend attends is a state university, there is something to be questioned about moving the class opening.

If the school opening was fixed to June as we occasionally happened in the past years, she might be able to attend her classes, and probably this could “save” our relationship. Although she had attended her On-the-Job training from April to May, she shouldn’t be given a “late summer break” where she was idle in the months of June and July since she was living in a boarding house near her school.

  1. Our Bataan trip should not be postponed from February

Last June, we celebrated our third anniversary of love and had our anniversary date in Bataan (exploring Mt. Samat Cross). Our Bataan trip was one of my original plans for our date way back last year. I had already planned our trip to Bataan for our Valentine’s date in February. We supposed to set up our date on February 14-15, but because of my work schedule where there was a mandatory to come at work on Saturday (Feb. 14) to finish the deadline (as a graphic designer for gaming magazine), I necessarily came at work for Saturday to order to finish our latest issue of magazine. I missed my Valentine’s date with my girlfriend (on February 14 to be exact), but I was able to come at Nueva Ecija to meet her for our post-Valentine’s date on the next day (Sunday, February 15th), and that was only for one full day because I needed to come at work on the next following day (Monday).

Our Bataan trip was postponed to March where I promised her to be happened before her summer break. But this wasn’t happen once again. I supposed to file a leave to the office when my girlfriend told me that we would meet on Saturday morning. My original schedule indicated that we must meet on Friday afternoon, but she demanded to meet me on Saturday morning, and that’s what I followed. I came at work on Friday, and after office hours, I left immediately to ride a bus going to Buendia rather than Cubao because I was truly expected that there was a heavy traffic at EDSA especially within rush hours. But I was the one of the victims of heavy traffic going to Buendia when I was stuck for almost two hours before arriving at LRT Buendia station where I rode with a lot of commuters in one train. I finally rode a bus going to Cabanatuan at night. This made me fatigue and tired from a long travel that I felt not really well. And on the next day, we met there so late to catch a long travel going to Bataan, but instead we set our date to Pampanga where we rode a giant ferris wheel in SkyRanch. Again, our Bataan trip was postponed for the second time due of fatigue from my long travel.

Last June, we finally had our Bataan trip after postponing twice for our anniversary date. However, it was unexpected that it would be our last before our break-up occurred.

  1. Pictures from Bataan in her phone could be saved from being caught

Most of our pictures that we took were from my mobile phone while others were from her phone when mine was in low battery. We shared our pictures thru Bluetooth to save before we went home separately. Our pictures on her phone might be transferred to her other storage (as well as my black USB) if she had her time to save our pictures together from her phone. But it’s too late for her to save it when her eldest brother got her mobile phone to explore something, and he discovered what we’re doing in Bataan. She was heading to go home with him during their school break due of moving school opening from June to August. I have no idea why and when he got the discovery especially he already knew our “secret” relationship. Blame the moving of school opening to August!

  1. Our third anniversary date might be simple enough for only one full day

If our Bataan trip was held on February or March, I probably decided that our third anniversary date might be held only one full day. Because of moving of school opening to August, I might change my schedule in earlier time that our anniversary date to Baguio must be postponed or cancelled. But if the move didn’t happen, we would either celebrated our third anniversary in Baguio for the whole weekend or just simply enough in Cabanatuan, just few miles from her boarding house. If we only made our simple celebration in a restaurant inside the mall in Cabanatuan, we could “save” our LDR for good rather than having long travel to Bataan.

  1. Meeting only 15 times in 3 years might not be a big deal

Despite of having long distance relationship, we’re able to set up a date for only when we had our free time. As what I said, three years of LDR was not a joke. And in the last three years that we had been together (apart), we’re able to meet ourselves only 15 times. And since she’s still studying in college, I understand what she managed her time between me (thru text communication) and her studies. For me, she had more time in her studies rather than interacting me and having a date with me personally. Unlike those college students out there who have already boyfriend/girlfriend nearby and frequently met mostly after their school classes, we rarely met to have our date in a perfect time without any distractions. Although our LDR was considered as “secret” relationship, we’re able to pass our challenge that we had before. But since we’re already over, do they think that our meeting in 15 times is just enough to cause our break-up compared to others where they met frequently (especially at school) while they’re still studying?

For me right now, I’m just too envy for some college students who have relationship with their boyfriend/girlfriend out there, having holding hands or putting her hand on the guy’s shoulder every time I rode a jeep to travel going to my work from home and vice versa. I had never done this when I was in college. But because of my long distant girlfriend, I was so happy to be with her, being a college student, while we’re riding a jeep or a bus or walking around a mall or a park. There’s nothing wrong with this, but it showed our love to everyone.

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Right now, I can’t still forget her and our sweet memories in the past three years. It’s like a song from El DeBarge titled Who’s Holding Donna Now which compares my version: who’s holding <name of my former girlfriend> now? But I know she can’t also move on fresh from our break-up. One night, I was dreaming (or just a nightmare?) on her while I was asleep when she was so beautiful during our love relationship, but we broke up, she became boyish after her hair was cut into boyish look, and her back was filled with tattoo (but I didn’t mention her as lesbian because I didn’t see her having a relationship with a girl based on my dream). What?!!! Buti nalang panaginip lang yun! Hehehe!!! In comparison to my other friends who have their own love relationships, I was one of them who were celebrating their one’s love prior my break-up. But now, while they enjoyed their love, I got a great loss in my heart, reminding me as the greatest downfall in my love life history.

I’m thinking what if we never met or interacted thru text four years ago? What if she didn’t accidentally send her text message to me leading our friendship emerged and later developed our feelings into a true love. I could save a lot of money from cellphone loads, gifts, commuting in a far place, bringing with her to special places, dining date, and more if ever she didn’t find me thru text. I could find a lot of beautiful girls in Laguna or even nearby to be my next love if ever I didn’t fall in love with her thru text. There was a plenty of time that I had passed by from 2011 to 2015 to do many things while I was young by mid-20s. I’m not telling that this wasted my time, but this caused me regret.

For those who want to know the reason why we split up, I can’t tell you the reason because it is complicated, but I’ll tell you if I have my time to express about this to you personally in one-on-one confession (yes, one-on-one and not in Connect/Care Group (CG) or group discussion/open forum).

In the past 7 weeks, this is probably the sign of the “downfall” of my love life after three years of LDR. But I know it’s NOT too late for me although I’m already in near 30s. I need to prepare for my next challenges in my (uncertain) future especially my plan to set up myself into “independence” from the past and traumatic experiences in my whole life.

pnnyq

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