Distraction

Episode 13 – Thursday, August 13th, 2015 (6799)

Last episode, I was thinking who sent me a text message on my birthday last week stating, “How are you?” Few days later, I just tried to reply the message thru my old Smart mobile number. The answer was finally revealed when a person who sent a “mysterious” text message was from one of the Feast members in SM Sta. Rosa. And yes, I remember him who asked me to give my number (but I just gave him my old mobile number instead of my new ones due of security reasons) when I was attending Sunday Feast at SM Sta. Rosa a month ago. (I really miss the Feast! But because of personal and security reasons, I have temporarily stopped to attend because the one whom I don’t want to see him (and also with that “chubby”) is always there to attend.) And because the mystery was already solved, my old Smart mobile number was again deactivated forever as I’ll never use that old number anymore!

Anyway, I was so irritated on the mouth sore affecting my lifestyle (such as eating) last week, but in the few days later the irritating mouth sore was gone by applying an alum (aluminum potassium sulfate, or commonly known as tawas). And at last, I feel better right now! However, there’s still a distraction in my life. And that’s the “bad” environment in the house where my companions (of course, my parents and my older siblings) are too “choleric” minded! Gosh! In the years right after I came back home from my wonderful experience in the U.S. back in 2005, I’ve been still with them ever since, and since I’m in near 30s, I need to make a plan to set myself free from these distractions in my life.

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Ever since coming back from the U.S. in July 2005, I thought that my family would treat me and my life better because they missed me so much after having my wonderful experience in Alabama for almost one year. But the “nightmare” at home was still there and even worsened.

My father was still at home, already retired from his job as security guard, and his attitude was still in “pessimistic” form. Although he already stopped drinking alcoholic beverages (making him some wild acts such as speaking too loud mostly in bad words), he continued to make his criticisms, most especially he was against Arroyo administration. He was so addicted on news when he listened on radio, watched on TV and read daily newspapers. However, he missed one thing – reading news on the internet to complete his habit addicting on news and information in the Philippines. I really hate to listen or to watch most bad news, especially in the dirty politics, in any medium (except for calamities and special events such as typhoon). Even he criticized what he watched on TV which made me mad on him because there’s nothing wrong on what I watched on a particular show (especially game shows when he criticized the difficulty to win a prize). So that he sometimes scolded, not only me, but also to my mother and my older siblings who were against at him in most of times, especially on his “wrong” decisions towards on our everyday life.

My “bad” memories with my father were still fresh in my mind. I still remember, in July 2004, a month before I left for U.S., I was arriving home with severed feelings after my fingernail was badly broken with bleed from school and removed from the hospital causing into the worst accident in my whole life. Minutes later on the same night, my father arrived home so drunk after he took drinking session from his neighbor. He learned about my worst accident when I was already at home curing my wounds. Of course, he mauled with anger and argued with my mother as she almost pulled the knife on him because he was out of his mind due of his drunk. One another incident was watching game shows on TV where I almost argued on him criticizing on what we watched. One night in 2009, I rarely joined him with my mother eating our dinner. Suddenly, he condemned a game show on TV causing me to get a remote control to change the channel. But he continued to criticize, so that I got anger to him while eating our dinner. He dictated me as rude (calling me as “leche buleche”) so I just finished my dinner quickly and got back to my bedroom as he continued to maul against me, and my mother, who was also eating, tried to stop him, but she, too, was also mauled. And that’s why I had never joined breakfast, lunch and dinner with my family especially my “pessimistic” father.

In almost 10 years, I was so tired to feel the “bad and toxic” environment of his attitude that led some arguments between him and some of my siblings and my mother. His “pessimistic” attitude was over when he suffered a mild stroke causing him to be hospitalized last January 26 and lasted for almost two weeks at a public hospital in Manila, miles away from our home in Laguna. While he was in hospital together with my mother and other siblings, I had my wonderful time to live inside the house ALONE and without any distractions (with exceptions of feeding our dogs and throwing their “poops” outside), but I felt so sad because of being alone, and I had no companion inside the house when I was going to sleep although I had my long distance girlfriend during that time communicating only thru phone (my other eldest sister with her son was there but in separated house located in the same lot).

I thought his illness was his “punishment” or “karma” on what he had done as “pessimistic”, “ironic” and “dictated” father in the past several years after his retirement. But despite of that, I’ve always prayed for him and his cure from mild stroke. Every time when I’ve gone to St. Clare Monastery in Cabuyao, he was the one of my loved ones to be included my petitions and prayers hoping that he’s okay and staying away from his “pessimistic” mind. Although there’s no chance to change his attitude because he’s already too old enough, I’ve always mentioned to the Lord to help him and to bless him.

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One more distraction in my life is about my elder brother who was working as Overseas Filipino Worker (OFW) but now he’s jobless for several months. Known as loving his rock and punk music, he is just like my “rebellious” brother because of his attitude where he uses his anger every time I get sometimes wrong. I think he’s “choleric” (as what I observe) because he doesn’t feel any of his emotions (except of being funny and annoying).

Last Tuesday morning, after eating my breakfast and preparing for my departure going to work, I let to read today’s newspaper at my elder brother’s bedroom. While reading, my “energetic” elder brother slammed his aluminum door to make me surprised and shocked. But I was NOT happy on what he did to me because I was serious to read newspaper. Instead of finishing on my reading of the remaining pages of newspaper, I backed out. I immediately pulled my bag and rushed outside of the house before leaving without “goodbye”. I was filled with anger during that time. And at night, before I went out from my work, I posted my very heated status on my Facebook stating:

 fb status snapshot

This also indicated that he always calls my “household” name many times and wants me to take him a massage (which I had done during my teenage years when I was tired to travel far from school, but he, being jobless on that time, was so relaxed to take massage from my hands! KAPAL TALAGA!!!)

In fact, he was my “best friend” in the house during my childhood days, but when I became teenager, I seemed him too aggravate in many things that I made such as sharing on my bedroom, taking him a massage, borrowing my money (especially his jobless right now), and some others. When he left to work as OFW in Saudi Arabia from 2004 to 2010 (with his short homecoming break in 2006 and 2008), I was so happy to have solo at my bedroom (it is connected to his bedroom thru one door from the living room) to make many things at my Tent Office such as writing, playing games, using the personal computer, listening to the radio with my favorite songs (in which some of them that he doesn’t like), and more without any distractions. But when he came back home in 2010 from Saudi Arabia after his working contact was expired, my happiest days at my bedroom (and also in my Tent Office) were vanished. As being his jobless and staying at home most of the times, he interrupted me almost everything, every time when I was inside my own bedroom. I had no time to do things that I had done before while he was not at home especially when I was asleep on daytime after my night shift work during most of 2010 to 2012. However, in April 2012, he again left to work in Saudi Arabia as OFW, and it was the time to celebrate myself to be “solo” at my bedroom again. It was lasted for two years until he came back home last year. I thought his homecoming was just a temporary because I knew he was just in vacation and would go back there to work after, but several months later he never went back, and instead he stayed at home (possibly because he had some bad experiences while he was working abroad).

Currently, he’s still jobless and staying at home most of all times (although few months ago, he left to stay with his girlfriend’s place or his friend’s place somewhere in Manila for few days). While I was “free” to do some things when I was solo at my job office in San Pedro, there’s not enough time to have my “free” time when I’m in home because of him annoying in all things especially when I’m in rest day on weekends. I’m wondering if he had continued to work abroad then my father suffered mild stroke last late January. It would be trouble because without him, I, my mother, and even other eldest siblings couldn’t be able to help my father healing his illness. During most of the times when my father was cured with medicines and therapy, my elder brother helped him from carrying him to the hospital, taking him in hospital bed until assisting him to walk. This was because of his strength (almost muscular appearance) that I and others inside the house can’t.

 ph80o

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Only “closest” person that I have inside the house is my mother. But I have never had any private confessions to her about my problems because she’s already too old enough (sometimes she’s deafened causing our misunderstandings). I still remember my “bad” memories with her when she didn’t defend me like a true son. This was happened twice in 2004 and 2009. 11 years ago, right after my worst accident happened in school, my mother went to school in Pasay to make excuse for my absence in classes, but she was informed that I had “bad” doings in school where I threw criticisms against that school and my former deaf “lover” who was chubby because of her “scandal” that she made in 2003 and being favoritism on her in school. When my mother arrived home, she slapped me with a piece of paper printed a letter that I wrote protesting the “inequality” in school. Instead of protecting and defending me, she scolded me back. So that I made myself into anger to her while I was in United States. I only sent few letters to my mother about my experiences in the U.S. because I had “trauma” on what she did to me before. Five years later, my mother again scolded me after the mother of my former college classmate and crush confronted me about my “scandal” going to her house at late night and thought that I was “peeping” on her daughter (which was NOT true, and I had NO intention to do badly on her). This was happened not once but twice in 2009 (which made that year my worst in my life). In November 2009, the “evil-witched” strict mother again confronted my parents (while I was in school during that time), and when I arrived home, they again scolded me badly (this incident made me worsened, and I was thinking to commit “suicide” by taking a lot of medicines to cause overdoses because I felt my parents (and also my eldest sister) didn’t defend me like a TRUE son). A day after the incident, I talked to my mother asking if she loved me. She answered that she still loved me and protected me from any danger that’s why she angrily scolded me on that thing, but I didn’t lesson on her because I felt I was NOT her true son when she didn’t support me in the times when I was in trouble. This remained me into trauma up to the present (although I already forgot the past worst incident thanks to the Feast, it’s NOT enough to let me to move on because the family of my former college classmate and crush is still living in the same village where I and my family have been living for more than 20 years, so that the place is still in “red” or considered as the most dangerous place that I don’t want to live anymore).

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These distractions made my mind so crazy and my life so miserable. I tried to encourage my family (or one of my siblings or my parents) to attend a session at the Feast, but they have too many “commitments”. I still remember when my mother scolded me sometime in late 2013 because I arrived home so late (past midnight) from the Feast (after Connect/Care Group (CG) with my Feast friends) that she thought it was non-Catholic organization. Being jobless during that time, I tried to explain her about the Feast (by showing a bulletin). I also expressed my bad feelings thru Facebook posted almost two years ago (let’s throwback what I had posted):

 fb status snapshot 2013

Since I’m already in near 30s, I want to set myself free because I have already made decisions in my life. But because of Filipino culture, I’m the one of many (unmarried) people who is still dependent with the parents or even grandparents. It’s the time to set my independence from my “old” family where there’s a lot of “negative” vibes and “toxic” thinking that affect my life. I have started “Road to Independence” 10 years ago, but until now I’m still stuck with my parents. I had already set my plans to be independent when I had a long distance girlfriend living northern part of Luzon. In two to four years from now, I would suppose to set up my living with her under in one “new” home in a far place (probably her place in the North), if we’ll marry someday, leading into “independence” from my “past” troubled life. But this would be not happened in the future after our unexpected break-up 7 weeks ago.

It’s so sad that my plan to set up “independence” was completely vanished. But I’m hoping this will be temporary if I need to find a new girlfriend who will love me forever (I still don’t know if my former will come back or else). However, right now, I have the hardest time to find another new one causing the sign of declining my courtship to other girls (I will explain the qualifications in the future episodes) since I’m getting older. I feel so sad that I have already NO love life to make me happy and also to endorse me into “independence” from the current troubles and situations in my life.

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