Having Allies… No More? (Forever Alone?)

Episode 9 – Wednesday, July 15th, 2015 (6770)

It’s Day 20 of being single, and I have still no idea what will I do to move on from the unexpected break-up of my long distance relationship last month. I’m still depressed despite of my optimism in my life such as my career. And one of the saddest moments right now is that I have… NO person that I need to talk closer (in a one-on-one confession) about my situations (e.g. problems). Yeah, I have NO “best friend” (or closest friend or ally) to confess. I have some of my friends outside especially from the Feast, but I feel none of them are closer to me, and some of them are too choleric. Also, I have no opportunity to talk with someone within the times when they’re accompanied with others that I feel I don’t trust them. And lastly, my speech (or rather having speech defective) is one of the reasons that I don’t want to join (or I’m willing to join if there’s no “disturbance” around me) such as Connect/Care Group (CG), Light Group of Feast (I’m sorry to express this), and open forum in a group of friends to confess each one. Sometimes, I feel some of them included in my group are seemed bored when I talk (or confess) about something in my life. It’s okay that I join two or three of my friends to join in a group discussion/confession, but I don’t want others to join more than four of us (which makes my time wasted). However, I have written this to share some of my friends like you because I refer to write rather than to speak everyone.

Nevertheless, I want to inform that I need a friend who will be my closest friend (or ally) to confess my feelings especially in this type of situation right now.

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I have qualifications for someone who might become my close friend, “best friend”, or closest ally such as he/she must understand my feelings, ideas (my creations) and problems, with good pleasing personality, must be not choleric, snobbish or bossy, must be younger than my age (but in legal age), may or may not be involved at the church like the Feast (and also other Catholic activities), has enough time to have companionship and interacting with me either personal or thru text messages at all times, and must have NO connection to my enemies (even my former crushes) around.

In the past 18 years, I have chosen most of my friends to be awarded as my closest and most trusted friend, and they are:

1997       Michael Romero*

1998       Michael Romero*

1999       Michael Romero*

2000       Michael Romero*

2001       Michael Romero*

2002       Michael Romero*

2003       Peter John Buentiempo*

2004       Joseph Anthony Belga* (until July 2014 or before I left for U.S.)

2005       Paul Millard (until June 2015 or I came back home from the U.S.)

2006       Angelo Mandia (first non-deaf classmate to become my “best friend”)

2007       Anna Blecille Soria

2008       Hector Leo Miscala

2009       Anna Blecille Soria

2010       Anna Blecille Soria (until college graduation)

2011       Bernadette Adrias

2012       Jonathan Penunia

2013       “royalprince”

2014       Marian Carpo

2015       ???

*My deaf classmates in PSD

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In the first 6 years (or even since I started to study at PSD in 1994), Michael Romero was considered as my first “best friend” in school when we became classmates during our preparatory days in 1994. He was my deaf classmate for 10 long years. But in 2003, I felt him to be so weird in his personality (that I didn’t realize when I was in PSD) most especially he became “controversial” after he hit a teacher during the protest against our “corrupt” principal of PSD. So, my other deaf close friends and classmates, Peter John Buentiempo and Joseph Anthony Belga, were my “best friends” during my last years of my studying in PSD.

While I was in United States, I had no “best friends” from either my deaf classmates and friends in ASD although I had been closed to my host (foster) parents to confess about my life in PSD and at home. However, I frequently confessed my feelings, during my free time, to some of ASD teachers and staffs who understood me so much in some situations such as my past struggled love life.

When I came back home from my wonderful experience in the U.S. and transferred to non-deaf school, I thought I had been no longer having a “best friend” anymore. My former deaf classmates, including my closest friends, were already graduated from PSD and studying in their colleges (most of them were in College of Saint Benilde (CSB)). But, in IMS, I met Angelo Mandia, my new, non-deaf classmate, who later became my seatmate and helped me in most times especially in our school projects and assignments. So, he became my first non-deaf “best friend”, and because of him, I had remained at his side even we’re no longer as high school classmates to confess my feelings.

And when I was in college at PUP-Santa Rosa, I met one of my classmates who eventually became my close friend. Anna Soria was one of my closest friends and classmates who helped me in most times of situation especially about my struggled love life during our college days. Even though she shifted to other course in 2007, she remained my “best friend” (first female “best friend” actually) until we’re graduated in May 2010. In October 2013, we finally met for the first (and only) time in three years. For now, we’ve rarely communicated each other due of our busy careers.

In my career life, I met several co-workers that I looked to be my “close friends” in workplace. During my stint in AsecAsia in Alabang, my fellow graphic artists such as Badeth Adrias, Ronald Rufo, Jermine Diana, Jonathan Penunia and my colleagues like Mae Suarez, Kaye Cedeño, and some proofreaders were my closest friends whom I needed to confess about my feelings. But when I was working at RR Donnelley (RRD) after resigned from Alabang in mid-2012, only Jonathan Penunia and Josephine “Banjo” Javier, who also both resigned later from AsecAsia, were my closest friends; others in RRD were not because of different attitudes (and working environment, too) that I didn’t like to be closed with them (maybe they’re too choleric and bullying to me most of the times that’s why I left there in June 2013).

In the Feast, when I was introduced in 2013, I met a familiar person who was also my classmate in college. This led me to enter the new “world” and to make new friends there including Marian Carpo, Ralph Christian Deniega, Gee Ebalde, and more others.

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However, these of my friends that I mentioned are now too busy enough in their own careers, so that I hardly try to interact with them to confess about my problems. Some of HOT Team members like Ralph and Marian are too much busy in their businesses especially the latter who accompanies one of our Feast friends most; so that I can’t get closer to her to express my problems (and my feelings, as well) because of him (he’s too choleric and mayabang, you know). Even, I also can’t get closer to some of my Feast friends (rather than solid HOT Team) because of my personal reasons (especially that “royalprince” has been present at the Feast SM Santa Rosa). During my short stint in a financial school in Makati, no one of my colleagues was closed to me beside of “royalprince” before (but after our Hong Kong trip, I left from the group because of him). Also, none of my officemates in my job in San Pedro was closed to me because of some reasons (I think they will not understand about my situations, so that I just remain to be silent for these most especially about my personal problems that they don’t relate).

Because of my security reasons that I just recently replaced my primary mobile number from the old ones, most of my friends who had communicated me thru text messages were declined. It was because most of them were not really closed of mine, and I don’t want to have makulit na text nang text especially some of the times that were announcing to be congratulated even without my own name, tinext pa nya ako para lang kinocongratulate kahit di pala kasama yung name ko! Since my old “best friend”, Anna Soria, was rarely interacting me thru text because of her working career, only few of my friends have their rarest times to communicate me.

By the way, do you have wondered why I didn’t mention about my family? It’s simple. I have really never closed to my elderly parents, my eldest sisters and my elder brothers because they’re too old enough. I’m going 29 this August while they’re already in mid-40s, and my parents are already in their 70s so that I can’t express my feelings to them because, I know, they will not understand about mine (most especially the 2009 incident) that they think I’m “spoiled”. Even though I have already nephews and a niece who are so young, I can’t even confess with them either. So, I’ve never talked a lot inside the house (except when I’m alone with some “guardian angels”).

And the worst is… the recent break-up of my long distant girlfriend last month. She was my one and only textmate when we accidentally interacted thru text messages in 2011. Every time when I was alone and lonely, she was always there to give me her comfort acting like a true “best friend”. I had always expressed her about my problems in home and happiness in my life even we’re several miles apart. I also helped her about her problems too that she was so thankful to me. I was so happy when we became sweethearts a year later, so that she was my “true” girlfriend and “best friend” in my life despite of having long distance relationship. But after our unexpected break-up, my happiness days with her was finally over which made me alone once again. Hard to imagine… from having a pretty girlfriend in the “heaven” falling down to the earth to become single just like back to zero again! Awww…

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Because of these…, nobody wants to talk with me, and I’ve not talked so much with others because they’re not so closed to me. Bale wala tuloy ako kadamay…, wala rin ako kausap. It’s so hurt to be alone in my life!

It’s so sad that I’ve always been alone in my life. I feel so miserable though (especially after the break-up). However, I have one remained “best friend” who is always there in my side. And that is GOD. Yes, our God is my one true “best friend” (or closest ally), that’s why I have “guardian angels” surrounding in my every side.

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